The Fat Jew's Guide To Protesting

Stick with the Fat Jew long enough and you’re going to learn a few things about life, and hookers. He’s kind of a twisted role model here at Milk, so when we heard that he got kicked off Instagram for no reason — or at least this time there were no smoking guns [dicks] on his feed — we had to get our asses over to Instagram’s midtown offices and show our #freefatjew support.

That took all of 14 minutes before Instagram caved and returned TheFatJewish to its rightful owner so he could once again spread the joys of the Jewther Vandross crotch and yoga dogs. It ended so quickly that there wasn’t even time for the planned inspirational readings of Katy Perry’s "Fireworks," or intern water spritzings. But before we left, we asked the man sometimes known as Whitney Jewston to teach us another lesson, this time about how to win a protest.

Step 1: Lose the shirt

"You have to take your shirt off and have a horrible body. Nobody wants to see that."

Step 2: Rally your degenerate troops

"You have to get a lot of scary degenerates involved. My fans, for example, are insane and they don’t work. It’s Thursday at 12:00pm and people are working — but not my fans because they’re all massive degenerates and Instagram knew they were all going to be here and that sounds scary. All of a sudden the streets are filled with fucking weirdos, runaways, freaks, wastoids, stoners, morons and assholes. The thought of that congregating outside apparently struck a nerve. These aren’t good people — but they’re the best people to have for a fucking rally."

Step 3: Prepare for jail time

"I thought I was going to have to go to jail and I was fine with it. I’m like Nelson Mandela in so many ways except fat and white and Jewish. I was prepared to go to jail for literally forever, or until Zuckerberg came to see me."

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