Thanksgiving Survival Guide

Now that Thanksgiving is almost here, we asked a few friends for their best tips to get through the holiday break. Comedian Maria Heinegg’s survival guide impressed us with its practical use of drugs, alcohol and gentle avians.

Thanksgiving is a time to be grateful. Grateful for family, grateful for friends, grateful for your mother’s refillable Valium prescription in the cabinet. You two are really going to get along great this year. It’s going to be so different. A day or two off from the daily grind sounds too good while you’re eating your weight in potatoes and stuffing yourself with stuffing — and it is. And when it all starts to fall apart as your family remembers how much they hate each other, here’s a guide to surviving Thanksgiving, even if your family members don’t.

1. Champagne: Pop Bottles: If you have to forgo all but one thing, make sure there’s copious amounts of champagne. And then just drink it until you start to feel empathy for your Republican uncle who can’t get his wife to take him back. Sometimes, alcohol is the quickest road to enlightenment*. Pop bottles. *(crying)**

2. Leave Your Work At Home: I know you’re "going to get everything done that you’ve been putting off" during your Thanksgiving break but, listen, you’re not. You’re not going to do any of it. You’re going to watch Bad Santa, Elf, and eleventy-seven James Bond movies on TBS with intermittent naps and snacking. Don’t bother hauling your work stuff home. You’re not going to do shit. Let it go. Have some champagne.

3. Phone Charger: When you’re sitting down, bored in the kitchen with your brother and starting to contemplate your own mortality, you’ll begin to ask yourself internal questions like: "What am I doing with my life?" and "Why am I here?". Avoid this by checking Facebook, Twitter, Tinder, Grindr and Instagram every 7- 8 minutes to stave off full onset depression. Watch your dad try to figure out the turkey thermometer with his glasses pulled down, squinting and feel grateful you still have hope.

4. 18-27 Pairs of Pajama/Thick Sock Combos: You’ll need to bring all of these and then just wear only one pair for the full 3-4 days, only changing for the occasional shower or bath (if it’s really gotten that bad, you’ll have a glass of champagne to take in the tub with you) and then you’ll change right back into them. Same goes for dressing like a human for Thanksgiving dinner. Just put them right back on after pie. It’ll be fine.

5. Dime Bag: Look, we are all adults here (except for your nieces, nephews, cousins, random uninvited children). Let’s smoke a quick bowl and stop pretending marijuana doesn’t pair perfectly with lying around on couches and eating until you can’t feel feelings. Repeat every few hours as needed. Okay, fine. You’ll probably need more than a dime.

6. Sober Friend: Everyone has a deadbeat, lonely friend who can’t afford to go see their family for the holidays (aka doesn’t want to.) It’s your duty and privilege to invite them to your family celebration so your mom feels pressure to be on her best behavior and then you guys can just have uncomfortable fights in front of your friend anyway. They should preferably be in recovery so you have someone to give you sober rides to the liquor store and your high school drug dealer’s apartment (he still lives in your hometown because no drug dealers have real friends, just customers.)

7. Preparation: Find a time machine. Go back to February of this past year and start losing weight in preparation of looking skinnier than your sister in law. Now, take the time machine back to present. Show up to Thanksgiving looking underfed and proud. Checkmate, Lisa. Pass the gravy.

8. Eat Everything: You’re going be so good and only eat non-grains, vegan, low salt, low sugar this Thanksgiving. Haha. Just kidding. It’s mostly bread, animal fat, cream, booze, drugs and sugar. Dig in. It’s a sweet delicious downward spiral into the beginning of the holiday season. You are so alone. No, really, you’re an island. Have some more pie.

9. Sleep and Snack: Oh, your mom wants to know when you’re going to settle down? Tell her "right now" and go settle into your childhood bed and fall into a deep, deep sleep. Then, in an hour, wander back downstairs and eat one thousand chips. Let it all fall away.

10. Apply Cat or Dog: When you start to hear your parents arguing about basting methodology for the big poultry, never fret, just wander ’till you find their cat or dog (or really trustworthy, gentle bird) and then drag it to a couch or bed and just pet and snuggle and go to your happy place. That’s it. Feel it’s soft fur and warm belly. Relax. Oh, god. That’s right. You’re allergic.

Happy Thanksgiving!! We all die alone!!

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