The Hater's Guide to Christmas
It’s Christmas time! I mean also it was Hanukkah time! I mean Happy Kwanzaa (is that right now?)!! I mean Happy Holidays!!! All that matters is that you know I’m very inclusive, sensitive and informed about your freedom of religion (or lack thereof) and very politically correct. Just kidding. Screw your beliefs, it’s time to hate on Christmas. Praise Santa Christ and all his reign on Earth. Peace be with you or against you. Pass the fucking eggnog, bitch.
1. Personal Poverty: Santa is every rich, white guy ever. He just specializes in making everyone feel like they have to match his generosity. Oh, well, I’m glad you can make toys for all the children of the world but my job affords me the ability to live and eat year round and not much else. While you’re at this whole "every single children’s presents" thing, here’s a list of my closest friends and family, Santa. Please add these 16 names to your list and my dad wants Burgundy so I hope your workshop has a vineyard in that particular part of France. I love getting into deeper credit card debt around the holiday season. Really looking forward to passing my bills onto the kids I probably won’t have. (Am I an interesting, modern woman yet?) Can debt count as an heirloom? Only one way to find out. [Adopts rescue pug. Leaves it everything in the will even though it will die first.]
2. Year of Regret: Look back. Just kidding. Do not look back. You basically fucked everything up and you’ll probably do it again next year because no one ever really changes. So, just accept the horrible lack-thereof you’ve probably done and do as Garth would do: "Live in the now." Maybe you’re finally ready to paint that chair you’d been planning on since you bought it at the garage sale. No, no. You never actually will but at least you’ll think about it. Making plans is nice.
3. Pretending To Work: Yeah, I’m super productive sitting here at my desk and I’m a real company man. [Boss walks by] Minimize window. Minimize window. Facebook. Amazon. Clip of dog farting in baby’s face. Facebook. [Minimize window] What report? I’ll have it to you by 2014. Vacation starts in the mind. Can someone unlock my leg shackle to this desk? I have to go surf the internet in the bathroom on my phone for 11 minutes. Please don’t fire me. I need this job.
4. People Wanting To Be In Love: It always impresses me that people get so lonely at Christmas time that they start thinking they love people they don’t know that well, care about people that they constantly tell you make them regularly furious and think now’s a good time to ensure that they will never feel lonely again. 87+ pictures of Facebook lady friends’ left hands "He proposed!" [tag guy who did the proposing in case he forgot] And some of them it will even actually work out for (shout out to my friend, Shannon) but so many other idiots are making the biggest mistake of their lives. Go for it! It’ll make you feel good for the next few cold Christmas-y weeks. New Years is coming. Are you engaged yet? No one will ever love you.
5. Desperate Gluttony and Seasonal Alcoholism: I’ve dedicated my life to the pursuit of being skinny but when Christmas cookies and ham are eye-fucking you at the Office Holiday Party, it’s time to get freaky. Wait for your coworker to get drunk and tell you what she really thinks of you. "You’re such a piece of shit!" [Followed immediately by mouth kiss] Yeah, wear those loose pants, girl. Have some more Brie. Pour another Gin and tonic. Next year you’ll start caring about yourself. It’s fine.
6. People Who Hate Christmas: I "hate Christmas" but I don’t hate hate Christmas. I’m not out to ruin Christmas for other people. Come on. Go buy your fucking tinsel. I don’t give a fuck. Those people who really do hate Christmas suck. Don’t be a Grinch: ie people who don’t know how to get themselves laid up on a soap box wearing torn underwear. Just relax. It’ll be spring soon. Unless you kill yourself first.
7. The "Perfect" Present: I’ve decided there’s enough guilty equity in the relationship you and I have (aka I care about you) that I think you are owed or deserve a present from me (but really I’m just worried that you’re getting me one so this is a fear-based decision.) But, now, how the fuck am I supposed to figure out the secret thing you truly want (but definitely don’t need) in your life that’s between $25 to $60? Is it moisturizing oven mitts? Is it a subscription to High Times? (I presume you’re supposed to fall asleep reading that) Is it that empty space in your heart where loneliness lurks in the shadows and all you need is human touch to bring you out of a vacuous depression? Well, figuring the answer to this question out for roughly 27 people is giving me a deep anxiety attack so EVERYONE IS GETTING A CHEESE BASKET AND THAT’S FINAL. Enjoy the gift that keeps on giving: the road to diabetes.
8. Trendy Seasonal Depression: When people say "It’s the most wonderful time of the year" it sounds too close to "it’s that time of the month" to ignore. And Christmas is all about red and, theoretically, a birth, which has plenty of blood involved, so I like to think of Christmas as the world getting its period. Everyone just eats and cries and lays around and they can still get shit done but it’s hard and you’d rather stay in bed. Hand me a tampon, I mean, tequila bottle. Merry Christmas.