2014 Is Not The Year You Will Die Alone And Other Predictions

2013… what an amazing ride. Obama built his own GeoCities website; murder became openly legal in two states; and Miley’s tongue. With so much uncertainty, who knows what 2014 will bring??? Desperate for guidance, Milk Made enlisted America’s great pool of underemployed statisticians, psychics, and BuzzFeed analysts to determine a complete list of predictions for 2014.

In 2014…

… A picture of a lion cub playing in a pile of leaves will remain as an open tab on your browser for four days until you are finally ready to close it.

… Finland will design an app to determine sarcasm over text, solving the question once and for all, “Is this dick pic sarcastic?”

… Salad bar customers will be presented with the option to have their salad “tossed,” “chopped,” or “have the guy chew it for you.”

… Saying “That’s so last year” will be so two years ago.

… Every correct answer on the SATs will be, “Google it.”

… In solidarity with hipsters affected by an increased cost of living, Jimmy McMillan, the “rent is too damn high” guy, will begin wearing a man bun.

… Because you liked Blackfish, Netflix will recommend Jiro Dreams of Sushi.

… Apple will come out with a new iPhone and charger that automatically becomes obsolete in six months.

… Tired of everyone having a podcast, the city will enforce a new law that requires everyone to have two podcasts.

… The “It’s Showtime” subway performers will top the charts with their hit, “Started From the Bottom Now We’re Still Here.”

… Five of your friends will post a pic of that guy with the cat on his head on Instagram with the caption “Gives a new meaning to The Cat in the Hat” as though they were the first to think of it, but you will know that YOU were the first to think of it.

… Due to the success of sneaker wedges, Chipotle will begin to offer them either wrapped in a tortilla or topped onto a rice bowl.

… To prevent bootlegging and abuse once the soda ban is enacted, customers will be required present ID proving 18 years of age and be limited to only two carbon replacement cartridges per purchase for their SodaStreams. SodaStream infomercials will continue to be presented during late night programming only.

Dr. Zizmor will expand his practice to include enhancement treatments for duck face, sparrow face and sex doll face.

… 2013’s triumphant return of ’90s fashion will coast right along, bringing back multi-colored cuffed shorts and Shannen Doherty’s weird eye.

… Hundreds of Tinder users will become celibate after accidentally swiping left on their soul mate.

… Because you liked 2013, Netflix will recommend 2014

Follow Myka Fox on Twitter at @MykaFox

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