Who needs warmth when you have fashion. Dress it down this winter.



3 Absurd Fashion Tips To Survive Winter

Hot on the bare heels of Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson’s return to the catwalk in Zoolander 2, Stiller reached out to Valentino for fashion advice. What he got were strange tips, and they were given without a hint of irony. Co-creative directors of the fashion house, Pierpaolo Piccioli and Maria Grazia Chiuri, brought out the high fashion realness, telling Stiller to not wear socks, keep your arms out of the sleeves of your coat, and keep your bag nestled exclusively in the crook of your elbow. Yes, those beat up, hole-ridden Tom’s shoes you put on without socks to walk over to the bodega at 2AM are now a high fashion staple endorsed by a venerable fashion house.

As we read the tips, we decided that as winter descends on our soggy souls, it’s time to rewrite the rules of fashion. Before you bundle up and dig through your closet for the leather gloves you swear you didn’t drunkenly leave behind at a bar, let us help you prepare to be the fashion icon of New York this winter.

If It’s Raining or Snowing, Choose Only Three Articles of Clothing.

This season, wet is the new dry and hypothermia is the new black. So when the moisture starts falling from the sky, the best thing to do is let it drape you in its glory. Look through your entire closet and choose only three articles of clothing to wear. We prefer to go for a strong pair of winter boots, a long T-shirt, and a winter jacket. Pants, socks, and underwear are so last year. Fashion loves a good pair of shivering, shaky bare legs, so let it all hang loose. Splash through the crowds as the cool winter breeze keeps you alert and on the verge of tears.

Confused? It's called fashion, hun. Look it up.
Confused? It’s called fashion, hun. Look it up.

Swimsuits Are The New Snow Jacket

While all the basics are shopping for a down jacket to get them through winter, take solace in knowing they’ll be looking outdated when you glide past in your one-piece. Whether you go for a layered sweater ensemble with a swimsuit stretched over your top, or just match that bikini with a pair of snow boots, you’ll be the talk of the town. Red-skinned whipped by the arctic winds is the winter equivalent of the summer spray tan, and it’ll leave you looking fierce. Trust. If you’re having trouble deciding what swimsuit to wear, just put on all of them. There’s nothing hotter than a good Speedo or one-piece silhouette. For an office casual adaptation, throw a bikini top or swim trunk over your collared shirt or dress pant for a look that screams “FASHION.”

Look for this high fashion shot in the next issue of Vogue.
Look for this high fashion shot in the next issue of Vogue.

Ditch the Scarf and Embrace the Goggles.

We know you’re going to spend half the winter ordering Seamless and watching Netflix while nursing your wind-whipped eyelids back to health. Invest in a strong pair of goggles, and you’ll be set to tunnel-vision your way through the crowds without wiping away icicle tears from your cold, dead eyes. Whether you go for skiing or welding goggles, pick the most gigantic pair possible and keep the scarf at home. We hear that eyes are the window to your soul, so it’s only natural to cover said soul with a piece of thick plastic. Nobody will be able to see you weeping to Adele on the subway. Move over welders and coal miners. Your monopoly on this high fashion accessory is about to end.

Slater was a few decades too early to be a winter fashion icon but bonus points for the window wipers.
Slater was a few decades too early to be a winter fashion icon but bonus points for the window wipers.

Now, that we’ve dispensed invaluable advice on how to look hot in the cold depths of winter, we expect to see you half-naked in mining goggles and bikinis trekking through the snow. If you’re feeling extra savvy, take those Valentino tips to heart and go sock-less and pant-less. The world is your runway and, this winter, blackened dead limbs are so hot.

Images via Groundhog Day, Casey Riffe, Flickr, and Saved By The Bell. 

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