Top 5 Most Ridiculous Teen Horror Remakes
In today’s Hollywood landscape, we should not be surprised to continually see our favorite films being remade or rebooted, especially if that film is in the horror genre, one that thrives on the remake. Nevertheless, we were in for a horrible shock when news broke today of the planned remake of one of our favorite teen screams, I Know What You Did Last Summer. The idea of replacing the 90’s teen dream team of Sarah Michelle Gellar, Freddie Prinze Jr., Jennifer Love Hewitt, and Ryan Phillippe with some millennial teenyboppers is sacrilege, a move that should be punishable by death at the hands of a supernatural killer. This particular atrocity is by no means unique; our generation has seen many questionable reproductions of classic teen screams, so to fully express our discontent we’ve rounded our Top 5 Most Ridiculous Teen Horror Remakes.
WARNING: Spoilers lurk below
5. Friday the 13th: While the original is no masterpiece, it at least had some palpable moments of genuine fear, one helluva twist in the reveal of the killer as Mrs. Vorhees, and some bare ass Kevin Bacon action. This reboot is technically a pseudo-sequel, with the film opening with scenes from the original, and then follows the uninspired, banal slaughter of the adolescent cast. There are no twists, no moments of shock, and no Kevin Bacon ass. A total fail.
4. Halloween: John Carpenter’s Halloween is a masterpiece of cinema, a film that set the standards for many of the tropes and themes that are now commonplace in the horror genre. Rob Zombie’s Halloween began with noble intentions: to dig deeper into Carpenter’s original and provide more insight into his world. It didn’t. Malcolm McDowell’s performance as Dr. Loomis is a saving grace, but otherwise this movie is just Zombie jerking off to the superior Carpenter.
3. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The 1974 classic is a truly terrifying experience; relying on striking imagery over actual gore, it is one of the few horror films that has given this author genuine nightmares of being pursued by the gruesome Leatherface. The remake is a truly terrifying experience; relying on the cleavage of rando wannabe scream queens and gratuitous violence, it gave this author genuine nightmares that he might literally waste away and die from the stupidity involved in the production of this film.
2. Carrie: Not even the casting of Julianne Moore and Chloe Grace-Moretz could do anything to validate this remake of the 1976 original. The first iteration not only made stars out of Sissy Spacek and John Travolta, but was a roller coaster ride of teenagers hellbent on destruction, from the pig’s blood all the way to that finale at the tombstone. The remake had the bright idea of reproducing every great scene from the original, at a nearly shot for shot consistency but without any of the original’s character and quality. This of course raises the timeless question: why bother making this one?
1. A Nightmare on Elm Street: Making a strong case for why there is no God, this putrid ball of trash was delivered unto foolishly optimistic audiences in the winter of 2010. Everybody loves Nightmare on Elm Street; it has Johnny Depp, really gross but cool death scenes, and the infamously spectacular performance of Robert Englund as the quintessential boogeyman, Freddy Krueger. So somebody had the great idea to make this movie again…without any of those things. The result is a 90-minute odyssey of all of your horror movie hopes and dreams getting smothered in steaming piles of Michael Bay-produced excrement. For the sake of humanity, please stick to the original.