World

1.7.2015

Top 5 Shadiest Catfights

Imagine poor Betty White hearing this every day
Sophia ain't having none of that
Oh the shade of it all, the definitive Madonna smackdown
You betta werk and tell her Tyra
Elton is not pleased. Not. One. Bit.
And that is how you scare your co-star

In what is easily one of the year’s most important Hollywood exposes, Italian bombshell and icon of sex Sophia Loren gave us the cold hard facts behind that bitch face she threw at Jayne Mansfield in one of the greatest examples of side eye shade throwing this side of a drag show. Reportedly Loren was glaring simply out of fear for Mansfield’s cleavage falling into her plate of dinner, but the glare speaks louder than words, even after all these years. Frankly we’re a little disappointed at the (supposed) innocence of this explanation, so to keep our spirits up we painstakingly curated our Top 5 Shadiest Catfights. Get those sunglasses ready.

5. Betty White v. Bea Arthur: What the whaa?? The Golden Girls didn’t have the perfect friendship that was packaged so nicely in their theme song?! And Betty White is capable of being catty? Apparently so, though it seems that most of the cattiness was contained within the 5-packs-a-day baritone voice of Bea Arthur. Arthur was supposedly furious that White garnered an Emmy for her role in the show about old ladies talking about old lady sex before she did, and consistently refused to acknowledge her presence once the cameras finished rolling.

Victor: Betty White, because she is a goddamn American treasure, and Bea Arthur sounds a little pettier than we could have anticipated.

4. Madonna v. Lady Gaga: As Gaga ascended her short reign as Queen of Pop in the beginning of 2010, comparisons were already rife with that of her inspiration Madonna. Madge fans were vehemently opposed to Gaga’s usurping of the pop throne, but things really heated up with the release of ‘Born This Way,’ a song that bears a few too many similarities with Madonna’s 1989 hit ‘Express Yourself.’ Enough was enough for Queen Madge, and during an interview for ABC she called Gaga’s song ‘reductive.’ When asked to clarify, she took a swig from her cup of tea and uttered ‘look it up,’ to audible gasps from the camera crew.

Victor: Madonna, because nobody can recover from a tea cup sipping verbal slap on national television as fierce as that one.

3. Naomi Campbell v. Tyra Banks: Catfights on the catwalk are nothing out of the ordinary in the fashion world, but Naomi Campbell showed the world what terrifyingly sharp claws she had when defending her spot as top model against young upstart Tyra Banks. Banks has said that Campbell made her modeling career ‘a living hell,’ persuading designers such as Karl Lagerfeld to ban her from their runway shows and even attempting to blacklist her amongst her own modeling agencies. Banks eventually moved into other outlets of modeling, but their hostility remained intact for over a decade until Tyra staged a reconciliation between the two on her talk show.

Victor: Though Tyra’s call for unity of women is heartwarming, Campbell clearly won the actual fight, asserting herself as the one and only bitch in charge.

2. Elton John v. Madonna: It was King of the Gays vs. Queen of the Gays as one of the shadiest catfights in recent memory broke out over a Golden Globe nomination in 2012. Both musicians went head to head in the Best Original Song category, to which Sir Elton said that Madge ‘didn’t have a chance in hell of winning.’ Surprise! She won, and John was caught with a face full of rage in a close up during her acceptance speech. Both John and his husband began a firestorm of a smear campaign in their rage at losing a piece of golden metal, calling Madonna nothing more than ‘a fairground stripper’ and that her ‘career was over.’ The two have since made up…maybe?

Victor: Elton all the way, there’s nothing quite like the fury of a gay man deprived of a songwriting achievement.

1. Bette Davis v. Joan Crawford: The grandmother of all catfights, the two icons of Old Hollywood retain their position as the definitive catfight of all time for good reason. Always at odds with each other throughout their decade long career in movies, director Robert Aldrich had the brilliantly genius/insane idea to cast the two of them opposite each other in his horror film about show business gone awry ‘What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?’ The stars played longtime feuding sisters (a real stretch for them} but the two of them on set became a ticking time bomb. Davis would send notes to Crawford to “GET OFF THE CRAP” which escalated to leaving dead rats in each others dressing rooms to scenes of ‘fighting’ becoming real stitches-inducing violence between the actresses.

Victor: Tough call, but we’re going to go with Davis, who scared Crawford into quitting their next planned project together three days into filming.

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