We've vowed to only use makeup products that are, first and foremost, some sort of food. And we recommend you do the same.



5 Incredible Beauty Products You Can Eat

If there’s a beauty product in my bathroom, then you can bet I’ve eaten it. Not because I wanted to; on the contrary, there have been many occasions when I think I could’ve conveyed the full effects of a highlighter without ingesting it. Ditto nail polish, which always tastes lethally toxic—and yes, even the delicious sounding flavors like OPI’s “Cajun Shrimp.”

Which is why, in instances when it’s possible, I’ve vowed to only use makeup products that are, first and foremost, some sort of food. Products like the five listed below. Because if it’s going to end up in your mouth anyway, it may as well taste good.

Code Red Lip Stain

It seems every day there’s a new, even longer-lasting lip stain on the market. And while their lasting powers may be very real, we’ve still yet to encounter anything that leaves as permanent a stain as orange soda. Unfortunately, orange makeup is never a cute look. Fortunately, however, there’s a Mountain Dew flavor called (chillingly), “Code Red,” that does make for a pretty cute look. By which we mean, it will leave a fructose-corn-syrup-, artificial-colorants-, sodium-, and caffeine-riddled, sultry rouge stain on your lips.

Comme ça.

Red Wine Inner Lip Stain

We got the lip stain covered, but what about the compulsory inner lip stain you’re probably not wondering? Well funny you should ask, because we have the edible answer for that as well, and it’s called red wine. For this, you’re going to want to measure out a traumatizing breakup’s worth of red wine (re: enough to fill a dumpster), and give yourself about an hour to sip on it. If all goes well, you’ll barely have to lift a finger, with the red wine instead doing all of the lip staining for you. If all doesn’t go well, you’ll be too drunk to notice—which, by definition, is a win in itself.

When a bad breakup…becomes a good thing?

The Greasy Highlighter

Highlighting your cupid’s bow is one of those beauty tricks that requires minimal-to-no effort, but leaves you looking as if you sweat out glistening bits of fairy dust on the reg. It’s important is what we’re saying, and so has naturally earned a spot on this list. The only problem is when you use a highlighter to brighten up that cupid’s bow, instantly forget you did any such thing, and then go about your normal, eat-breakfast-half-asleep-like-a-barbaric-caveman routine. Not only will this effectively erase any trace of your adult beauty routine, but it will also undoubtedly result in you eating a big glob of noxious-tasting highlighter—and nobody wants that. Especially while trying to enjoy half a jar of Nutella.

Far less precarious would be to simply use the greasy powers of Westville’s chicken tenders to highlight that cupid’s bow. Which—let it be known—catches the light just fine, thank you very much.

Naomi on her way to a glossy cupid's bow in Vogue (1991), by Ellen von Unwerth.
Naomi on her way to a glossy cupid’s bow in Vogue (1991), by Ellen von Unwerth.

Sugary, Snowy Lashes

Edible makeup isn’t strictly for subtle beauty looks—in fact, it’s quite versatile so long as you keep an open mind (and pantry). Case in point: one of our favorite, cold-season-themed beauty looks to choose from, the snowy eyelash look. Last year at the Jonathan Simkhai FW16 show, they did just that and used special effect snow to do so. But for anyone without access to this artificial ilk of snow, we recommend the next best option: sugar donuts. First damp your lashes for a nice, sticky base. Then make like a Renaissance painting and, while lying down on a couch, enlist an acquiescent friend (or stranger) to feed you a sugar donut from above. The angle is crucial, for that is the only way to ensure that loose sugar is sprinkled evenly onto your face and, inevitably, catches onto your wet eyelashes. Then sit upright—and voilà! You are an angelic snow bunny. With conjunctivitis.

From Jonathan Simkhai's FW16 show, by Koury Angelo.
From Jonathan Simkhai’s FW16 show, by Koury Angelo.

Jalapeño For a Winter Glow

Every year, like clockwork, the first gust of winter winds roll in and everyone can’t seem to get enough. What they think they’re about to get is cozy in their favorite cashmere sweaters, adorable three-month-long flushed cheeks and red nose, and probably a boyfriend. What’s actually in store for them is little more than rosacea, tights worn under everything, and endless snot. Which certainly isn’t to say you can’t get your winter glow on. Oh you can get it on, alright, and all you’re going to need is a jalapeño and a knife. Simply chop up that bad boy, leaving your hands bare, and then do what you would normally do on an average winter day: rub and pick your nose approximately every 20 seconds. Mid-way into the first pick, you should start to feel something akin to a rush of fire engulfing your nose. Don’t worry—that just means it’s working. And that you’re about four nosebleeds away from that delectable red-nose winter-glow you’ve been angling for.

This is what you’ll look like four days later, after the stinging passes. You’re welcome.

Images via Dazed, Yahoo, Vogue, and Refinery29. Jonathan Simkhai photo taken exclusively for Milk by Koury Angelo.

Stay tuned to Milk for more food you should stick your face in. 

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