Introducing The Teat: 5 James Franco Film Pitches You'll Actually Want to See
Are hats the new hair? Are boyfriends the new coat? Are pescatarians still relevant? How about pedicures? Here at The Teat, our new humor column, we answer none of these questions. So have a seat; stay awhile. We don’t bite—unless you’re chocolate. Then we absolutely do.
It would not be appropriate to call James Franco anything other than simply a unique individual. He’s written, produced, directed, and starred in everything from a slapstick comedy about Kim Jong-Un to a frankly fantastic film about the most batshit insane spring break of all time. When it comes to art, Franco is in a league of his own—and proves this, once again, with his newest project.
Franco is remaking the cult classic 1996 made-for-TV movie Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?, starring 90210 and True Tori icon Tori Spelling, about a teenage girl dating a potential murderer. Except he’s not sticking to the original script (this is James Franco we’re talking about). As star Zoë Bleu told Milk back in December, the remake will be adapted into a lesbian vampire lovefest, which sounds more like indulgent fan fiction—and that’s totally fine with us. According to Vulture, Leila George will fill Spelling’s shoes as Leah, the renamed damsel in distress, and Spelling, the original Laurel, will play Leah’s mother in the remake. James Franco will also be starring in the film, but has yet to reveal the role he’ll be playing.
The remake is quite possibly Franco’s most bizarre film to come to fruition, but it’s definitely not the strangest that he’s proposed. Below you’ll find the best of Franco’s rejected film ideas (we may or may not have come up with them, but James, if you see this, let’s talk).
The Simple Life Gone Wrong
Synopsis: Future President Paris Hilton and aspiring Australian Nicole Richie reunite to pay tribute to their Simple Life roots by doing it one more time. But their new jobs as Teresa Giudice’s interns at the Orange Is the New Black prison go haywire when Paris loses one of her 11 diamond earrings. A prison search party begins and, in a titillating twist, one of the inmates loses her blinged-out Crocs. Chaos ensues. Fights break out. Tears fly. And they don’t dry. Will justice be served or will mistakes go unfixed?
Starring: Paris Hilton as Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie as Nicole Richie, Angelina Jolie as Teresa Giudice.
Synopsis: It’s been 20 years since Gigli and Ricki escaped town, and they now live with new identities in the solitude of the English countryside. But when the mob that they deserted suddenly starts searching for them again, it’s up to only one person to go to London and kill the horde before the horde gets them first: their son, Boone. Once he arrives in London, he falls smitten with a stripper, Roxy, who distracts him from the mission. Now, Gigli and Ricki are in danger of being tracked down, and no one seems to give a hoot. It’s the long-awaited sequel to the most celebrated film of our time.
Starring: Zayn Malik as Boone, Gigi Hadid as Roxy, Ben Stiller as Gigli, Jennifer Garner as Ricki.
The Quest for ‘Hamilton’
Synopsis: It’s the hottest ticket in the world, and anyone who’s anyone has managed to nab it. Except for Billy Blossom. But Billy is determined, and he will stop at nothing to worship at the altar of Lin-Manuel Miranda. Follow Billy as he sleeps in the snow, tries to sneak in the theatre by way of women’s purses, and attempts to rob scalpers of the tickets they robbed themselves. As his efforts go to waste and his clothes get torn to shreds, Billy may have to do the unthinkable to fulfill his life goal. Will Billy’s dream come true at last, or will he just hit rock bottom all over again?
Starring: Chris Rock as Billy Blossom, Meryl Streep as Lin-Manuel Miranda, Rebel Wilson as Head Security Guard Roberts.
Synopsis: One of the most influential love stories of all time, reimagined. Except this time, where there was a charming Humphrey Bogart and a dashing Ingrid Bergman, there will now be Rob Kardashian and Blac Chyna. Rick Blaine (Kardashian), owner of the most prestigious nightclub in Casablanca, is shocked to see his former lover Ilsa Lund (Chyna) at his club with her new husband, Victor Laszlo, who is after government letters that Rick obtained. When Ilsa confronts Rick about the letters, she ends up confessing her undying love for him. Follow the two forbidden lovers as they battle political tensions and attacks while trying to reunite forever.
Starring: Rob Kardashian as Rick Blaine, Blac Chyna as Ilsa Lund, Tyga as Victor Laszlo.
The Curse of the Lip Kit
Synopsis: 18-year-old Kylie Jenner has turned a relatively average lip gloss into one of the most sought-after products in the world. Weekly restocks of Kylie’s Lip Kit sell out within minutes, and people all around the world are going to insurmountable lengths to obtain just one gorgeous shade. The lucky ones protect these treasures with their lives. But what happens when the lips of regular Lip Kit users start to inflate beyond repair? People are walking around with enormous lips, yet are somehow unable to let go of their precious kits. Follow Amber Rose as she gets to the bottom of this global epidemic. Was it a mere formula error or was this plan concocted by someone within the empire?
Starring: Kendall Jenner as Kylie Jenner, Lisa Rinna as Amber Rose, the cast of Vanderpump Rules as Lip Kit Loyalists.
Stay tuned to Milk for more from The Teat.