A Guide To Working Out While High, Featuring Snoop Dogg’s 'Kush Ups'
It’s been 12 years since Kanye West took off his Gucci backpack and adjusted his polo shirt to give Anna Nicole Smith the motivation to work out in “The New Workout Plan.” As a scrawny kid ready to start a lifelong quest for some form of abdominal muscles that have yet to surface, I played the song loud and proud as I desperately flailed around in my room. “1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and get them sit ups right and tuck your tummy tight and do your crunches like this,” West rapped on that iconic anthem for Juicy Couture tracksuit-clad moms and thots-in-training. A lot has changed since that song gave me the fleeting motivation to workout in 2004. I’ve somehow become lankier, moved across the country to try out this whole adulthood thing, learned about the powers of weed, and am honestly just not prepared to put in the effort to tuck my tummy tight anymore.
Luckily, I have indeed heard about the good news that some of you may have been sleeping on as you enjoyed a good snooze. A new workout song has emerged that’s just the right amount of leisurely thanks to the eternally high musician Snoop Dogg. This week, he released “Kush Ups” with Wiz Khalifa, which may be the greatest track of all time based on title alone. As you probably expected, it’s the heaven-sent message from the Ganga Gardens of Eden we all needed to finally start working out again to get the summer body we’ve all been dreaming about—or at least make us athletic enough to make it up the subway steps without stopping to catch our breath.
To honor the artist who animorphed from a Dogg to a Lion and back again,all while maintaining a high that hasn’t ceased in decades, I’ve put together the essential Five Step Weed Workout Plan to help motivate the stoner crowd to finally stop staring at the package of Oreos across the room and actually get up to grab them. Get those sweatbands on, unroll your yoga mat, and prepare those spliffs.
Step One: The Weed Leaf Stretch
Take it back to the roots with this elongated stretch. Lay on your mat or your bed, light some candles, and stretch all of your limbs and your neck out as far as you can. The goal is to look as much like the pot leaf emblazoned on the socks of hypebeasts as possible. Maintain this pose for a minute or five. Maybe even a few hours. Take your time–this isn’t some Barry’s Bootcamp shit.
Step Two: The Sticky Icky Squat
Don’t worry, the only thing you’ll be getting stuck in is premium muscle burning ab workout. When you eventually get up from your Weed Leaf Stretch, reach your arms as high as you are and then slowly lower into a squatting position. If you need help, just imagine how you were sitting that one time you got so high you fell asleep on the toilet—now take away the toilet. Boom. Hold this position for twenty seconds, rise up, and repeat four times. For an extra challenge, while holding for twenty seconds, smoke a joint as well.
Step Three: The Kush Up
It’s time to take the Snoop’s advice to heart and body with a few kush ups. If you can find Wiz Khalifa and Snoop Dogg at their crib doing kush ups, someone should be able to find you barely breathing days later on your yoga mat attempting to recover from working out. Get into kush up position, and lower yourself down until your chin hits the mat. Need motivation? Put an edible on a plate below you so you have to go all the way down to take a bite. Do twenty of these and, if that’s too hard, just do four.
Step Four: The Pot Planks
Reward yourself for your hard work with this low energy, low consciousness move. After your final Kush Up, collapse onto the ground like you just got home from a hard day of socializing with the outside world. Put your arms down on the matt and lift up your body ass first and hold that position for as long as you can. Bonus points if you last more than ten seconds. If holding up your body weight is too hard, just lay flat on the mat, face-first and think about your life choices.
Step Five: The Weed Leaf Stretch Again
At this point, the only thing to really do that’s productive is give up on trying to workout. You’ve done enough. Just roll over onto your back and stretch out into the Weed Leaf position again. You’ve got ice cream that’s not going to eat itself and a bowl that isn’t going to light itself. Workouts can wait.
Stay tuned to Milk for more marijuana workouts.
Images via Tumblr.