An Ugly Holiday Sweater For Every Personality
December is here. And so we return to a world of window displays sparkling with enough ribbons to crush our brittle, vitamin D-deficient bones. We return to a world of SantaCon, ice skating rinks shining with the sweat of holiday cheer, and to the blood of an innocent child whose knee pads couldn’t save him. Our hot chocolate is thick and spiked, and we drink it with Rudolph-shaped, sugar cookies lifted from Whole Foods.
Even now, we’re typing this in between loops of DMX singing “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.” But sadly, the enthusiasm doesn’t quite carry into our wardrobes, which are sad and gray and snagging, but in a chic way. It’s a January wardrobe. If you’re anything like us, you don’t hate the holidays per say, but you know what a struggle it is to find something holiday appropriate that’s still you. Yes, there are a whole milieu of vintage ’80s sweaters to choose from, but face it, only Tracey Ellis Ross could pull that off with any sort of grace.
But enough’s enough. Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Ramadan/The Winter Solstice is slowly eating us alive, and we deserve a sweater that shows that. One that matches our personalities exactly. After fighting through the trenches of Google, we’ve found an ugly holiday sweater for every type, whether you’re an INFP/J, a “thinker,” a Pisces, or all three.
“Let’s talk about sports, yo.”
We don’t really know who this “sports” is, but, we think this might have something to do with him. Or her. Them?
The NFL just pushed theses babies out…We don’t know. But hey, look at all the sweet color combinations!
Then again, you might not like sports. We heard he was a complete dick in high school anyway. Perhaps you’re more like:
“I miss Glee club!”
Just kidding! Not that you even flinched. You’ve grown pretty accustomed to hearing that. And, even though you’ve left the Glee club behind after that awkward loss at Nationals senior year, you still manage to make trying so hard look pretty fabulous. Now, you’re a drama minor, or an English major, or you’re in business just waiting for the day you get to make your glorious return to the stage! We can dig that. Good for you!
“Rolling through my old town with some old friends actin like new friends :(“
You’re always rolling through your old town; you do laundry there like every weekend, and you get upset when your parents try to convert your room into the walk in closet they deserve. But unlike last weekend, or the weekend before that, your old friends will be coming back as well. And they’ll be bringing new friends, hanging with some girls you ain’t never seen before. They’ve been acting sort of brand new.
Well, it’s time to turn to the one person who understands:
Still not your style? Don’t worry, they come in a number of Drakes, designed for every emotion, religion, and level of cheer.
“Time to show those thots what they’re missing”
Just because Jersey Shore‘s been cancelled for like ten years now doesn’t mean you still don’t enjoy some GTL time. In fact, since joining your frat, it’s all you can think about.
After a whole semester of just crushing it at the gym, you’re finally hot now. You’ve got ass and abs for days, and those biceps? Bruh, those biceps are godly. And, no god should be kept down by the limitations of necessary things like sleeves or fabric.
Pow! Welcome to the holiday vest section of Rusty Zipper. Careful you don’t shoot any eyes out!
“Dude, I’ve totally gotten my dog high before.“
So, you’re sort of like the black sheep of the family. You’re into Dr.Who, and play video games, and you majored in something quirky, like Skateboard Design, or Harry Potter, or Graphic Design. You’re a free thinker, that we’d hate to see you brought down by anything that’s beneath you.
Try some of these sweaters from Tipsy Elf.
“Fuck Christmas. Let’s talk about Krampus.“
You were probably christened, and you didn’t even shed a tear when the priest dropped you into the holy water on accident. But you’ve changed.
You’re tatted up, pentagramed out (“Uhm, it means white magic not Satan, you ignorant sheep”), and you don’t give a fuck. Maybe that’s why your parents still make you say grace literally every Christmas– because Grandma Wilma still doesn’t know you’re a pagan now, bless her heart. Somehow she’s remained innocent despite your cousins chanting “Burn the witch!” every time you walk past. And your mom passing the cheesecake around you.
See, Wilma is getting old now, and it’s time she got to know the real you. And what better way to let her know that to show up wearing this from Middle of Beyond:
Or, wear them because they’re actually kinda fucking cool.
There you have it. Did your personality not make the list? Don’t worry, it’s probably because you don’t have one. You can always wish for one this holiday season. Maybe, you’ll get a true Holiday Miracle. Or maybe you won’t. You should still buy one of these sweaters, because no one should be cold this winter, no matter how dull and unassuming you are.
Images via Giphy, NFL, Tumblr, Impulse Sports, Rusty Zipper, The Hunt, Middle of Beyond, NBC, and Tipsy Elf.