Ariana Grande Launched A Gender Neutral Perfume, So We Tested The Competition
In the midst of an important social evolution, Disney graduate Ariana Grande is doing her share in the fight for gender equality. Yes, you read that right. The star is eschewing gender specific fragrances, making a gender neutral one instead. Named after her brother Frankie, it’s a blend of pink pepper, apricot, wild orchard, cedarwood, and musk. While certainly interesting, we’re more concerned with how her scent ranks against other countless celebrity perfumes. Not to mention how people are still buying into these, ahem, questionable smells.
And so, in the spirit of Ariana’s Frankie, we reviewed a handful of other celebrity perfumes…so you don’t have to.
The “heat” in question, upon further investigation, seems to have been summoned from a David Barton gym. What this fragrance wants to be is sexy; what it really is, is more like a mix of sweaty glands and the cinnamon challenge. We love queen Bey for being spicy and hot, but unfortunately the fragrance doesn’t live up to its muse. It smells more like someone who smelled hot yesterday…but now desperately needs to shower.
Taylor Swift’s Wonderstruck
We’re sorry, Taylor, but T-Swift’s Wonderstruck smells like a My Little Pony that just threw up a bunch of Jolly Ranchers in the middle of Candy Land. The target audience is probably a group of tweens about to go to their first school dance, showering themselves in Wonderstruck and a mix of excitement and angst.
Justin Bieber’s Girlfriend
The product describes itself as flirty, personal, and inviting. But as Janis Ian would say, it smells like a baby prostitute. It’s even sweeter than Swift’s. The bottle is surrounded by a tornado of colored wires and the smell will leave you smelling similarly; like you’re nauseous and stuck a mega twister. I mean, that’s kind of what pre-teen crushes feel like, so maybe the Biebs deserves a little bit more credit.
Halle Berry’s Closer
This fragrance was surprisingly good. Unlike other celebrity perfumes, this one is actually an intriguing scent. While it isn’t on the high end of elegance, it is something I would use on a Tinder date. Maybe not a Bumble date, but a Tinder date for sure. It’s smokey and musky, reminding us of the tall, dark stranger that we all want to seduce and pull closer.
Paris Hilton’s Can Can
Paris Hilton has done over $2 billion in perfume sales, but I’m not quite sure why. I’m pretty sure there is absolutely no truth to the random words Paris’ PR team uses to describe her multiple fragrances—namely, their proclamation that Can Can is a “sophisticated fragrance with a provocative edge.” Rather, it smells more like dirty lingerie, or like a go-go dancer’s crushed dreams. In short? A can’t can’t.
Ok Ariana, you win.
Stay tuned to Milk for more drugstore adventures.