Bernie and Hillary Have No Idea How to Use The Subway
There’s no better test of how “New York” someone is than watching them try to navigate the subway. If we had a nickel for every time we had to push our way out of a subway car while someone pushed their way in or got held up waiting for someone to try three times to refill their Metrocard, we’d be well on our way to affording the yearly MTA fare hikes. Now that all eyes have turned the state of New York ahead of the election showdown this month, politicians have gone all out to try and win the Empire State. For Democratic candidates Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton, that has somehow turned into the biggest subway fight since the time you saw two rats biting each other over a piece of half-eaten pizza. They’ve both gone literally and metaphorically underground to fight it out for the hearts and minds of New Yorkers—and they’re both failing miserably at it.
The subway throwdown all started when Sanders, a native of Brooklyn who looks like everyone’s favorite Jewish grandfather, revealed how long it’s been since he actually used the subway. In his painful interview with the New York Daily News board, Sanders showed that he doesn’t know the specifics on some of his core platform issues, including how he’d break up the banks and what he’d do to ease the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, which is important in a larger context. But this is New York, dammit. The city is a bubble, and what mattered to New Yorkers was something so defeating, it gave us flashbacks to Bill de Blasio eating pizza with a fork.
“What do you mean, ‘How do you ride the subway these days? You get a token and you get on,” Sanders said as hearts broke across the city. Tokens haven’t been used by the MTA since 2003, which is the same year that One Night in Paris was released. The Vermont senator may have grown up in the Brooklyn borough, but his grasp on public transit seems as gone as his grasp on a comb to tame his wild hair. For his part, he did offer to jump the turnstile after being told he was wrong about tokens, but we’re not holding our breath for that photo.
The subway scandal should’ve ended by now, but somehow, like the subway during rush hour, it’s been delayed from leaving the station of our public consciousness thanks to the Clinton campaign. “It was my first term when we changed from tokens to MetroCards,” the former New York senator announced before descending down the subway steps at Yankee Stadium to prove she’s the realest New Yorker around. Unfortunately, her epic two-stop No. 4 train trip from the Stadium to 170th Street to hangout in the Bronx didn’t exactly go well.
— ABC News (@ABC) April 7, 2016
She swiped, swiped, and swiped again. But the turnstile was apparently not a fan of her policies, because it blocked her while the cameras rolled. She finally got through, and hopped on the subway with her small army of reporters, cameramen, and fans. If that sounds like the nightmare equivalent of being halfway home from a late night at work only to have a gaggle of drunk tourists bring the party to your train, you aren’t alone.
— Maegan Vazquez (@maeganvaz) April 7, 2016
Now that the fight to be the next Democratic candidate for the presidential election has apparently been rerouted by the fight to be the bigger new Yorker, expect more of this until the primary on April 19th. Next week, we expect them to engage in a foot race to find the best dollar slice in midtown and a public bathroom in Chelsea. It’s these totally relevant issues that will finally prove who gets our vote.
Images via Jezebel, Esquire
Stay tuned to Milk for more sad attempts to appeal to New Yorkers.