Bieber's Dick + Four Others Bring Thirsty Thursday Realness
Summer hot dog season might be over, but if yesterday was any indication, there’s still room for some pre-winter wiener. The Internet nearly collapsed in collective heat and confusion yesterday as photos began making the rounds of a certain dick’s… dick. Resident bad boy and reformed public urinator Justin Bieber traded in his Wang for some wang, and was photographed in Bora Bora, going for a casual swim in an expertly tailored birthday suit. As the Milk office looked on with confusion and intrigue, it got us thinking about our favorite penises in Hollywood — and gave a new meaning to the phrase “Thirsty Thursday.” As the throbbing excitement of the public begins to subside, we present our list of the five best dick moments in pop culture.
Ever since breaking onto the music scene in 2008, Justin Bieber has been no stranger to the Internet’s thirst for celebrity nudity. The Biebz has flashed his sculpted butt on Instagram in the past, there was constant debate over whether or not the bulge in his Calvin Kleins was real, and every year seems to brings a new (fake) nude photo of the singer. Those tend to look like they were taken with a first generation iPhone in the back of an RV, so Beliebers can finally rejoice today — Jerry has been revealed. Yes, Justin Bieber named his penis Jerry, and yes, we’re just as confused and appalled by the lack of creativity as you are. We can only assume that his newly rediscovered passion for God has led to the big man in the sky answering the prayers of teenage girls and desperate housewives worldwide.
Sometimes you go for a nude swim but other times you’ve just got to rock out with your cock out. Lenny Kravitz learned the (semi) hard way that skintight leather pants aren’t always the best bet when gyrating around on a stage. This past August in Stockholm, the musician was shredding on guitar when a sudden breeze began caressing his thigh, and the crowd suddenly began acting like a pack of hyenas in heat. The world learned two things during that fateful moment: it is possible to literally rock your pants off, and that Kravitz’s Prince Albert piercing is very, very real. Although the heavy metal addition to his dick has been around since the 90s, nobody thought to let Steven Tyler know. Not letting your rocker pals know about your penis piercing? Dick move, Lenny.
Meat lovers rejoice. Kevin Bacon is on a one-man mission to #FreeTheBacon. The 57 year-old actor teamed up with Mashable to create a fake PSA targeting sexism in Hollywood. It’s no secret that the vast majority of nudity on screen is from women — from Game of Thrones’ gratuitous female nudity to the billion scenes of Kate Winslet’s boobs. The Baconater took aim at sexism and the confusing lack of penis in Fifty Shades of Grey before giving the Internet and Hollywood this message:
“Gentlemen, it’s time to free the bacon. And by bacon, of course, I mean your wiener, your balls and your butt.”
That’s the kind of feminist message vegans, vegetarians, meat lovers, and dick aficionados can agree on. Bring on the bacon.
What’s that soft pattering sound you’re hearing? Is it a golf clap? Maybe a small animal traipsing through the woods? Nope. It’s just the infamous scene from Forgetting Sarah Marshall, where a dad bod-sporting Jason Segel helicopter waves his dick at Kristen Bell while she’s busy dumping him. It’s as heartbreaking as it is hilarious, and it let the world know that it’s ok to let your freak flag fly—and limply flop against your hips. Bonus points to Segel because the scene literally made his mom cry — and it was based on a real breakup.
There’s no better place to let your dick hang low than in a movie about a sex addict. Film buffs everywhere let their tears drip in 2011, when Michael Fassbender starred alongside Carey Mulligan in Shame. In between shots of Fassbender having sex and struggling to not have sex, there’s a gem of a scene where he walks naked through his apartment while his dick swings through the air like Miley Cyrus on her wrecking ball. In the aftermath of the film, jokes were made, and a few Sony execs cowered in fear and, well, shame, at the size of Fassbender’s peen. Michael De Luca, the president of production at Columbia, suggested passing on Fassbender for the Steve Jobs biopic because Shame apparently “just makes you feel bad to have normal-sized male genitalia.” Don’t worry, De Luca, there are pumps for that.
From Bieber to Fassbender and everyone in between, we embrace the dicks that have flopped their way into our lives and appreciated those that didn’t make it onto the list—shoutout to Jon Hamm‘s ham. Let’s hope that as male nudity becomes more mainstream, we can give the shaft to sexism and let it all hang loose.
Images via Comedy Central, Shame, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Shutterstock, and Calvin Klein.