All hail your new primate overlords.



Bold Predictions for the Year of the Monkey

It’s time to bid the ewe adieu. This past Monday, February 8th, the Chinese calendar officially turned a new leaf. Year of the Sheep: out. Year of the Monkey: in. But what does the Year of the Monkey entail? Will we all be swingin’ high off of a potassium-rich diet? Or will we be devious little water bottle thieves, like that monkey I encountered outside a museum in Sri Lanka?

You thought I forgot about you, you little bastard.
You thought I forgot about you, you little shit.

To answer these questions and more, we gazed through the cosmos, burned some basil, and used our Cards Against Humanity as makeshift tarot cards. And, let’s just say, you won’t believe what Pac-Man is going to do this year. Without further ado, here are our bold predictions for the Year of the Monkey.

The Republican primaries will return for season two. 

Sure, the Republican primaries have been a laugh-a-minute, but they’re really going to step up for season two. This summer, MTV will renew the wildly popular reality television show, The Real-publican Primaries. The competition will be set on the sand-washed shores of Aruba, despite candidate Chris Christie’s deep-seeded hatred of islands. Season two will kick off with a roundtable retrospective, during which present-day Marco Rubio will have to defend his position on immigrant amnesty against his main opponent, a 2012 hologram version of himself. We’re looking forward to the B-roll, in which host Carson Daly confuses a dead starfish for Donald Trump, and Ben Carson reenacts Castaway’s Wilson volleyball scene with a blown-up medical glove.

What? It was an honest mistake.

You’ll have a nightmare about Shrek: The Musical

This is mah swamp.
Any questions?

You’ll stop trusting your mailman. 

Didn’t you subscribe to Seventeen last month? Where the hell is your W2? Even HR wouldn’t take this long. And why does Steve, the mailman, keep leaving clumps of hair in your cubby? Don’t worry. It’s probably nothing.

mail goat

Netflix will launch an intentionally boring movie so you all can hook up already.

In a bid to wholly embrace the cult of #NetflixandChill, Netflix will release a series of shorts meant to fast-track couples from banality to anality. The premier short, titled Interminable, will follow actor/activist Sean Penn as he slowly picks up little trinkets in his L.A. flat. “These are the leathery remains of my pet snake,” he’ll say, pointing to a discarded bag of vegan pork rinds. “And this is a nose hair I plucked from Chapo.” In a pivotal scene, he’ll consider how the skylight in his boudoir makes him feel “dishonest.”  After 15 minutes, the movie simply fades to black, because if you haven’t made a move on your date by then, it’s never happening.


The world will not end. 

Sorry, fundies.

Images via Instagram, Timeout, Tumblr. Cover image via WinksForDays. Gif via CNN

Stay tuned to Milk for more eerily accurate forecasts

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