It'll probs look something like this.



Come Fight It Out At The Hunger Games Theme Park

Ever wanted to kill your best friend but lacked the appropriate excuse or scenic backdrop? Is dressing in an elaborate gown and being brainwashed your idea of a tranquil vacation? Or do you enjoy the amount of non-thinking that comes with being surrounded by propaganda posters 24/7? Then Lionsgate has just the place for you! As soon as this time next year, you could be fighting an orphan in a brand spanking new Hunger Games theme park.

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A string of them will be opening up all across the US and China. People have already drawn parallels to Disneyland, that sweltering dreamscape of glitter and turkey legs. But rest assured that while Walt Disney created his theme park based on pillars of entertainment, immersion, and problematic patriotism, Lionsgate knows not to invest in anything quite so immature. As Megan Garber of the Atlantic put it, these endeavors are “purely commercial.”

But who can really say for sure?

You could say that this is fairly ironic considering the fact that The Hunger Games is all about the commercialization and glamorization of child sacrifice, set against the backdrop of a cold dystopian society. And you’d be  right wrong. Don’t overthink things.


But maybe The Hunger Games isn’t quite your cup of tea. It’s a little gorey. A little sad. People die sometimes. People get a little maimed.

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Eh, it happens.

Don’t panic kiddo. Lionsgate also has your weak little sensibilities covered with an “entertainment zone” in the United Emirates that will focus on some of of their less spooky works like Twilight and Step Up. We don’t know about you guys, but we would love to pay hundreds of dollars to get followed around a theme park by a league of Channing Tatums. Please send a squad of Channings our way. We’d call them Tatum-tots and dress them in snapbacks. We’d rank them based on levels of attraction versus charm and treat them accordingly.


The best Tatum-tot would get to accompany us to Peeta Mellark’s bakery, which wouldn’t be totally depressing in the least. The worst we’d just ship off to their own little corner of the world, where we’d make them fight for survival. And then we’d YouTube it or something.  So there’s more reason now than ever to sacrifice yourself as tribute to powers you barely understand.

Photos via Giphy, Tumblr, and Geek Tyrant. 

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