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Don't Get Trampled To Death On Black Friday: Cyber Monday Is Here

It is the day after Thanksgiving. Our bellies are still full and our arteries are surely clogged, but in about two hours it will be time for delicious leftover sandwiches. We might forget all the things we said we were thankful for when there’s nothing on TV but the bullshit versions of Home Alone that don’t star Macaulay Culkin, but it’ll all be ok again once Planes, Trains and Automobiles inevitably shows up on AMC. Thanksgiving always works out! It may be a celebration of genocide, but all the activities are still pretty dope. Except for Black Friday.

We truly are just animals.
We truly are just animals.

Yes, today is technically Black Friday, an ominous day with a rightfully somber title—doesn’t “Black Friday” sound like it should be some sort of European holiday remembering the victims of the plague, or perhaps something involving Krampus? People literally die on Black Friday every year, all in the pursuit of $75 flat screens (which is an amazing deal, but not worth getting trampled to death for at a suburban Wal-Mart). So how does one survive Black Friday? Carry a switchblade? Arm oneself with sharp stilettos? Attempt to get trapped in a mall overnight like in that episode of The OC, so that you’re there before everyone else in the morning?

There is a simple answer. Skip it. Skip Black Friday. Because there is a better option. And that is Cyber Monday.

Cyber Monday is brilliant. You don’t have to wait in line! You don’t have to shove grandmas in pursuit of sale items! You can stay in bed and eat yet another leftover sandwich, and still participate in a capitalist orgy of consumption! Cyber Monday is such a good idea that Internet sales have even crept into Black Friday territory, with several websites starting their markdowns today. It’s perfect. Here’s a list of the sales that we’ll be testing the limits of our credit cards on.

Take a tip from Carrie Bradshaw and save literally none of your money!
Take a tip from Carrie Bradshaw and save literally none of your money!

ASOS ASOS already has pretty reasonable prices, and now everything is 30% off with the code “BLESSED.” We are.

H&M- The Swedish retailer is offering crazy good Black Friday deals, but we fear that the store will be a scary madhouse, so stick to Cyber Monday, where goods are up to 60% off.

Levi’sThanksgiving, with its gut-busting cuisine and casual racism, is already as American as it gets. Why not celebrate with denim, our nation’s favorite fabric? Levi’s is 40% off through Cyber Monday.

Moda Operandi– Still expensive AF, but it’s a good sale if you’re an exiled oligarch or your tech stocks took a slight dip.

Opening CeremonyOC’s disgustingly cool merch is discounted up to 40% today. This is even better than their infamous biannual sample sales, because instead of having to awkwardly change in front of models, you can just click on stuff whilst sitting in stretched-out underwear in the comfort of your own home! Oh, glorious Internet.

Pamela LoveBuy something cool, and do good: 10% of Pamela Love sales will be donated to the BARC animal shelter.

Pintrill Customize your All-American denim with an All-American pin company, without breaking the bank. This sale goes through Cyber Monday.

Reformation Are you a gorgeous vegan who needs a dress for a holiday party? They’re 30% off!

Uniqlo– Everything, like precious, precious heat tech, is on sale for under $50. Including cashmere! It’s a cash-miracle!

Yoox Yoox already sells discounted designer stuff. But now it’s discounted even more, for both Black Friday and Cyber Monday! Thank you, Italian retail gods.

And for the sneakerheads, here’s all the exclusive shoes that are dropping today and Monday. At least when you stomp on people, you’ll be wearing comfy kicks. Happy shopping, everyone.


Image via JustJared

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