Don’t Worry, This Spider Loves Oral Sex As Much As You Do
If there’s anything more terrifying than catching sight of a spider, it’s probably walking in on a spider couple in the throws of hot, passionate oral sex. Cunnilingus has always required a special amount of skill and concentration for humans and, as we’ve learned from experience, not all oral is created equal. Now we don’t have to worry as much about how much some people suck at sucking (or licking) because it’s probably not as bad as arachnid oral. That, or they do it exceptionally well and we just got upstaged by eight-legged hairy spiders.
The revelation comes straight from a new study by the group of scientists who actually spend their time documenting the sex lives of spiders–not to be confused with the Spider-Man sex fan fiction. The study, published in Scientific Reports, is all about the “rich sexual repertoire” of a species of Madagascan Darwin’s bark spider, called Caerostris darwini. Good ole’ C. darwini is a freaky bitch, and engages in everything from cannibalism and genital mutilation to the aforementioned arachnid oral. This is definitely not a guest you want at your next suburban swinger party.
These arachnids are bigger and more terrifying than that guy who tried taking you hope from the club with the promise that he’d “part you like the Red Sea.” If your Tuesday is missing a heavy dose of spider porn, enjoy.
The study is full of exciting findings for spider sex enthusiasts and feminists alike. Lady spiders are already notorious for beheading their mates after the deed but before all that happens, this species goes one step further. According to Motherboard, female C. darwini spiders were observed “forcing the males to engage in oral sex up to 100 times during copulation.” The only person who stands more of a risk of drowing in pussy is Lil Wayne on Drake’s “The Motto.” Though, luckily, he swam to the girl’s butt before she had a chance to go full arachnid and behead him.
This isn’t the first time we’ve heard about a little oral foreplay going down in the animal kingdom, but it’s by far the most savage. Bats, walruses, monkeys, and other species go down before they slide in, but 100 times during sex? That’d be enough to send us straight from the bedroom to the nunnery to vow celibacy. If you see a web on the doorknob and you live in C. darwini territory, maybe stop before you knock.
Images via Tumblr and Sony.
Stay tuned to Milk for more animal sex news.