Fashion Arithmetic 101: Breaking Down the Oscars Red Carpet
Film’s biggest night has come and gone once again. The Oscars were their typical, very long selves, imbibed with a dose of awkwardness around #OscarsSoWhite. But the real show happened long before the weird Dave Grohl In Memoriam segment and Leo’s inevitable win. The red carpet, in our opinion, serves up the real entertainment. Here’s our Fashion Math, where we analyze what the stars really look like. Because Couture + Harry Winston + Spanx = Oscars.
Heidi Klum is so insatiably effervescent, you almost want to wrap her up as a little present and keep her in your pocket. Well thanks to Marchesa, you can (kind of). You might not be able to fit her in your pocket, but if that dress doesn’t look like a whole lot of ombré, purple ice cream-flavored tissue paper, then we’re not sure what does.
Cate Blanchett is at once stunning and statuesque—like royalty personified. Armani Privé was the label behind her look, and if you think it looks like something out of a fairytale—say, Jack and the Beanstalk—rest assured, we do too. And while we’re not saying she brought a photo of a macaron to her stylist and was like, “This. Make me into this.” But if her look did take inspiration from any food, it would have to be the Marie Antoinette-flavored treat.
Alicia Vikander’s poofy yellow Louis Vuitton creation immediately brought the most intellectually inclined Disney princess to mind. Maybe if this is what Belle would rock if she managed to get the Beast out of his castle and into a cocktail party. Or perhaps the entire story was a hallucination, and Belle could twirl around in this tinsel-y upgrade of a gown whilst having the schizophrenic episode that led her to believe that candelabras could talk.
While we try to refrain from using the term “money” as much as possible, in the case of Margot Robbie’s Tom Ford Oscars dress, we couldn’t help ourselves. For this dress is at once money and potentially actual money too—a gold Amex card, to be more exact. That, or the product of 40, mythical golden snakes. Either/or.
Despite spicing things up on Scandal with some foreboding red numbers, Kerry Washington stuck to black and white for her Oscars look. The Versace number made us salivate—and not merely because it reminded us of a black and white cookie (although it did). The entire look was a bit harsher and more salacious than her typically romantic picks, with a leather, bondage inspired top that brought to mind a beetle—only the chicest beetle, of course.
Rooney Mara always looks some sort of ethereal creature, albeit a slightly murderous one. This sheer Givenchy is kind of like a giant, lovely doily. But the diamond cutout took us back to a Jay-Z concert where the audience was forcibly instructed to “throw our diamonds in the air.” We may be corny with that Illuminati mess, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t real.
Whoop, there it is. Ms. Goldberg looked both very dark and very elegant in her Dames of New York dress, á la Jolie as Maleficent. But the crowning glory of her look was a giant shoulder tattoo that gave off major Harry Potter dragon vibes–it looked exactly like a Hungarian Horntail.
We’re writing this from the hospital, as we’re currently recovering from the third degree burns we got from Charlize Theron. The woman is ludicrously hot. This Dior number is like Jessica Rabbit x infinity, or rather, Jessica Rabbit plus the heat of a fire poker. Marry us, Charlize.
Images by Kathryn Chadason.