Fashion Arithmetic: Breaking Down Last Night's Met Ball Looks
Another year, another Met Ball—and what a ball it was! Or so Instagram led us to believe. And unlike, say, the Academy Awards or the Golden Globes, the looks at the Met Ball aren’t a sore subject. In fact, they’re the subject, held out on a museum-sized platter for the world to ogle, judge, dissect, and filet. And so filet we did! Below, we present some of the most memorable looks from the 2016 Met Ball—and what those looks reminded us of. Let the games begin!
Everything about Mia’s look screams “emerged from rancid, slimy swamp that may or may not contain a strain of e coli.” In other words, “need.” Where you might see reflecting, sequin-like discs on this impeccable Prada dress, we see a strain of bacteria we once looked at under a microscope in 6th grade. And we’ll be honest: we want to wear it.
Solange Knowles tends to dress in the color palette of a tasty, tasty creamsicle; she always glows in oranges and yellows. Her flawlessly constructed David Laport dress looked just like one of those pleated lamps popular in dorm décor, and the Lemonade color was a welcome break from last night’s endless parade of silver sequins. The accessories were equally exciting: like her sister, Solange threw some BDSM into the mix, rocking latex leggings over gloriously clunky shoes for a real 16th century court jester vibe. Fun fact: apparently putting them on required some KY.
Ciara stayed true to the theme while still looking unique, which was quite a feat. We loved her silver hair, and her custom H&M gown looked like it was poured on her body. She was like the most beautiful kitchen supply set we’ve ever seen—on that Williams-Sonoma level. Ciara also reminded us of Paris’ famous Pont des Arts bridge, aka the one where couples leave locks to commemorate their everlasting love. We totally bet she and fiancé Russell Wilson have left one there, as they’re prone to cheesy (nice!) PDA.
We love Ciara. We want the best for Ciara. We want Ciara to be happy and in love, and we are glad that she has been able to move on from Future and find happiness. But we also applaud Paper Magazine for this truly epic shade. Well done, friends.
— PAPER Magazine (@papermagazine) May 2, 2016
Zoe Saldana is a beautiful lady who unfortunately tends to have her lovely skin painted in different (famously offensive) colors. So it’s always nice to see her out at red carpet events, getting to be her gorgeous self with her gorgeously man bun-bedecked husband. She looked lovely last night in a huge, glamorous Dolce & Gabbana gown, which immediately brought nature’s biggest, most exquisite species to mind: the peacock. But she also kind of looked like a piñata, which is better, because they are filled with treats, and peacocks are just full of… bird.
Nicki Minaj looked like her usual hot self in custom Moschino, complete with skunk-like hair. The dress obviously showed off her body (which tends to inspire utterances of the word “damn” with multiple syllables) but it had a distinctly unsexy inspiration: Pilgrim buckles. Those dudes were not into sex. Although we’d bet they could get into “Anaconda.” It’s so catchy!
Kim Kardashian was a gloriously shiny cyborg in silver Balmain, a dress that had the cool effect of broken glass, or a cracked mirror (which the Kardashians would probably not be into. They like looking at themselves, and we love it). Kimmy finished her spray tan at 2 AM, and her legs were nicely bronzed, reminiscent of those omnipresent “hot dog or legs” summer Instagram photos. We admire her dedication to non-cancerous tanning!
Ok it's 2am just finished my spray tan. I'm so exhausted
— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) May 2, 2016
Here at Milk we’re known for a lot of things, but fighting isn’t one of them. And yet, we would gladly take a sucker punch right to the schnoz if it meant we’d get to see (and hopefully keep?) the colorful arrangement of stars on Johnson’s Gucci dress. Because we’re assuming that’s how this dress got made—a sucker punch, and some kale for trimmings.
Arriving at the Met: Gucci creative director #AlessandroMichele in a heritage peak lapel one button brocade tuxedo, @dakotajohnson in a silk and lace black gown with star details, and @florence Welch in a iridescent long sleeve gown featuring sequin cherry blossom branches and a fully embellished Renaissance inspired neckline with black diamonds, pearls and crystals. #metgala #manusxmachina
Images by Kathryn Chadason.
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