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World

4.17.2018

Gender Diaries: artfucker [NSFW]

As the world continues to push against gender constructs, the conversation around how people are identifying themselves is constantly evolving. Each week, MILK.XYZ will feature a guest editor writing about their specific relationship with gender and, often, where it intersects with fashion. This week, we feature artist artfucker.

The state of flux regarding my gender has always been a great source of discomfort. I was never comfortable being a girl, but I did not want to be a boy either. Being two identities, in one body, I’ve never related to the male-female binary. Recent developments surrounding language and gender have been so powerful and nothing short of a revelation.

For years, being stuck in a vessel of femininity, people decided who I was based on my appearance. And I allowed them to do so. It was only recently that the knowledge I’ve acquired has brought me to a place of peace, where I now identify as a genderqueer/non-binary. The discomfort began to dissipate, and after years of disassociating with my chest, I felt empowered and opted to have top surgery.

After informing people about my sense of self, I was still making efforts to make it easier for others to understand. Are you going to take testosterone? What are you going to wear to the beach? I worried I was letting people down by not fitting into their idea of who I was. And instead was responding to their fears.

After a tough few weeks, I reminded myself I didn’t always know these terms, or even who I was. There is a learning curve to all of this. The more comfortable I get, the more I try to take these as opportunities to educate.  Unless someone makes no effort to understand, I try not to be on the offense.

Fast forward to a couple months ago and the days following my surgery. Not to mention, this was surgery number three; what can I say, I am a chest perfectionist. Anyways, I was stir crazy stuck at home, alone, for weeks. I started to visualize how my body would look after the bandages would come off. And as an artist, I took it a step further and started designing what I might look like. As I swapped male chests with females; I looked down at my wrists and saw my favorite tattoos from almost five year ago.

These very special designs of playing cards, specifically The Queen of Hearts and the Jack of Spades. Only in my case, I drew the Queen as the Suicide King, and instead of her typical flower in hand, she holds a sword to her head. Similarly, the Jack of Spades, holds a flower instead of his scepter. I started to reflect on how early I had begun visually mixing gender roles and felt inspired to make more art.

This transitional healing process became very mental. I dove into creating a series to reflect my moods and gender expressions. My artistic process was beyond helpful in allowing my male and female energies to work in tandem. And I no longer feel the need to suppress one of them or my transitions from Masc to Femme, and back again.

The idea that someone presents as one gender but may not consider themselves that gender is a simple concept, yet it was intangible to me for so long. Even now as I type this essay, the word themselves is underlined, as if it is wrong. It asks me to correct it to himself or herself. So, a big fuck off to anyone who underlines us and deems us incorrect. We are them. And there is no timeline to figuring out who you are, just put in the work.

The artwork featured in this article were created exclusively for Milk. I hope you enjoy them.

Select work from this series titled, “love has no gender” will be on display at the Artfucker art show.

To purchase any of these pieces visit theartfucker.com

All proceeds from this series will be donated to The Trevor Project.

Stay tuned to Milk for more Gender Diaries and see our previous installments here.

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