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World

7.5.2017

Gender Diaries: Finnigan Barrett [NSFW]

As the world continues to push against gender constructs, the conversation around how people are identifying themselves is constantly evolving. Each week, Milk.xyz will feature a guest editor writing about their specific relationship with gender and where it intersects with fashion. This week, we feature artist Finnigan Barrett. 

The first time I ever really vocalized that I am trans was when I was 3 years old. I had been begging my mom to let me get “a boy haircut” for months and she finally took me to get one. After the barber was done, I couldn’t stop looking at myself in the mirror. With tears in my eyes, I turned to my mom and asked her to call me “Matthew.” She promptly said “No.”

Since I could even walk on my own, I would always go to the “boy’s section” to get clothes, no matter how many times I was told to do otherwise. I still remember telling all the other boys I grew up with that I was gonna grow up to be a man one day too. It all just came out of me so naturally as a child because I didn’t think I was any different from anyone else. Although, I had never even heard of transgender people even until I was 12 years old.

I would definitely say the hardest part of my life as a transgender person was definitely: getting through high school. My mom wasn’t accepting of me during this time as well, which lead me to get kicked out of our house. It also didn’t help that I was born and raised in a very small, conservative town in Florida, called Vero Beach. I went to a high school that didn’t comply to any of the needs of transgender students. I was constantly put under a skin boiling spotlight that outed me to our whole school, due to the lack of effort from the administration. Having to explain that you’re trans used to absolutely terrify me. I felt as though there was no true place for us, and that we would always be stuck in a gray area.

As I got older, I gained much more confidence in myself and and found immense pride in the fact that I’m transgender. Since then, as cliché as it sounds, I just stopped caring about what people thought of me.

Because, all I really care about now is growing up to be the man my 3-year-old self said I’d be.

Images courtesy of Julius Frazer

Stay tuned to Milk for more Gender Diaries and see our previous installments here.

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