Here's What to Watch on Netflix in April Instead of Going Outside
Every weekend when your friends ask you to go poison your body with alcohol and kiss strangers, you have two options. You could totally go do that and get lit and maybe catch an STD or a cold (it’s going around!). However, the other option is to barricade yourself into your room with a bottle or three of wine, order Chinese food, and binge watch the newest offerings that Netflix drops off every month. It’s like opening your fridge (that’s usually a barren wasteland of spoiled food and rotting dreams) to find a fully stocked selection of everything you never knew you wanted. To help you in your quest to become a hermit fifty years early, we’ve compiled the absolute best things to watch that dropped on Netflix today—bong water and wardrobe full of cat hair not included.
House Hunters and House Hunters International Collection 3
Don’t sit there and pretend like you haven’t spent at least four days of your life binge-watching House Hunters and arguing what house the couple would choose with the food delivery person you kidnapped to watch it with you. The HGTV show is faux reality TV crack for anyone who ever dreamed about leaving their shoebox apartment and settling down in Grenoble, France, or Brevard County, Florida. If you need help picking an episode to start your downward spiral into madness and wine poisoning, go for HH International episode four about Elisa and John, the opera singing couple who are trying to hit the housing market high note while upgrading from their cramped Parisian pad.
V for Vendetta
Remember remember the 5th of November, and try to forget the cataclysmic election season that will probably lead to the destruction of our country. This dystopian political thriller was written by the Wachowski Sisters, stars almost every prominent British actor in the last decade, and features the Guy Fawkes mask that white straight guys wear to protests now. With spring weather slowly starting to drift in, now’s the perfect time to reenact Natalie Portman’s head shaving scene to complete your summer look—albeit with less tears and torture. Come to watch the world burn and stay for the two-hour metaphor for fighting the establishment with British accents and the deadliest rose sequence since The Bachelor.
There’s nothing more heartwarming than a movie about a sweet and friendly St. Bernard living his life and murderously attacking everyone while rabies eats his brain. It made for one of the better adaptations of a Stephen King novel back in 1983, when Cujo gave children nightmares and made them rethink letting their family dog sleep in the same room as them. Since Cujo’s rabies is caused by a rabid bat in the film, it’s historically appropriate to imagine that the bat is Sad Ben Affleck taking revenge on the world for the terrible ratings Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice got last week. If rabid dogs terrify you, take solace in the fact that at one point in the film, Cujo is literally a guy in a dog costume.
Dennis Rodman’s Big Bang in Pyongyang
If sports aren’t really your thing but international tales of treacherous negotiations with military dictators are, we have the perfect documentary for you. Dennis Rodman took a break from looking like he stole his wardrobe from 2007-era Britney Spears to form an unlikely friendship with North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un in 2013. The docudrama focuses on his one-man mission to solve the tense relationship between North Korea and America, the only way he knows how: by grabbing his basketballs and heading overseas with a crew of former NBA players for the most controversial game the world has ever seen. This is a movie about a former athlete completely disregarding the concept of international relations and befriending a man who has forced hundreds of thousands of his citizens into death camps or caused them to die of starvation. But hey, sports and stuff. Also, remember this?
Best in Show
In a much more positive dog-themed movie, a fake dog show brings together all of the dog owners you’ve seen in Central Park over the summer. This film from mockumentary OG Christopher Guest focuses on the preparation and drama at the Mayflower Kennel Club Dog Show. Like the real life Mayflower that brought settlers to America to kill Native Americans and take over their land, this story is full of death, survival, and feces. If you need something to get high to while you eat the candy bar you found under your bed (we’ve all been there), this is it. Come for the doggie drama and stay for the ridiculously star-studded cast, including Parker Posey, Catherine O’Hara, Eugene Levy, Jennifer Coolidge, Jane Lynch, and more people you’ve always wanted to see act in a movie that’s the Dance Moms of dog shows.
Stay tuned to Milk for more of What’s New on Netflix.
Original image by Kathryn Chadason.