How To Stay Hip During A Hurricane
It’s a rainy weekend in New York City. Usually this would mean way too many Instagrams of city streets and getting angry at pedestrians with umbrellas, but this weekend, we’re all about hurricane prep. With Hurricane Joaquin maybe hitting us in a few days, it’s time to bunker down, get supplies, and get ready for a day or two of continuous rain and Hurricane Sandy comparisons.
Let’s be real — sometimes hurricane hibernation is the best time to show your true self. So we’ve compiled a handy list of how to keep your hurricane life hip as hell.
It’s Not Hurricane Joaquin Without Joaquin Phoenix Jokes
An indisputable fact: the best things about hurricanes are their names. And this one just happens to share a name with movie star and generally-crazy looking dude Joaquin Phoenix. The possibilities are pretty endless. For this hurricane you can try to embody the star: date some models, check into rehab, ruin your life for performance art, learn how to pull off high-waisted pants. Or, as Vulture recommends, this is a perfect opportunity to marathon some Joaquin Phoenix movies — most of which we’ll conceed are fantastic. Either way, just spend the weekend chanting “Joaquin,” and we’re sure you’ll have a story to tell your grandchildren.
Find Yourself A Hurricane Honey
If you’re going to die, you might as well go out with a bang. There’s no better excuse for a one-night stand then “Hey, something terrible could happen to us later, so we might as well do this.” So get your flirt on, as there’s bound to be someone to jump into bed with you.
Make A Hurricane Playlist
If you’re stuck inside, you better be prepared with tunes. Luckily, it seems like every artist in the world has a song called “Hurricane.” Everyone from Halsey to MS MR to Bob Dylan has a natural disaster themed song — Cloud Cult even has a song that’s literally called “Hurricane and Fire Survival Guide.” And what should you do with this playlist?
Throw A Hurricane Themed Party
While this isn’t a great idea if you’re in the evacuation zone, it’s never the wrong time to party. Everyone is going to look windswept and rain battered anyways, so you might as well make it a theme. The dress code is “I walked through the rain,” and the snacks are “I got these from the bodega underneath my apartment.” On the plus side, throwing this party will be incredibly cheap, due to the survivalist nature of the theme!
Get Creative With Your Pee
The worst part about hurricanes — other than the whole “destroys millions of dollars worth of property” thing — is the lack of running water. With nowhere for your pee to go, it’s time to get creative. If you happen to be friends with someone who’s old and diabetic, you could turn their pee into whiskey. But, more likely than not, you’ll have to do some frantic Google-searching to figure out what the hell to do with your urine. We don’t recommend taking the Roman route and using it to whiten your teeth, but hey, if that’s what strikes your fancy….
Stay safe this weekend, but just as importantly, stay hip