How to Tell If You're Losing Your Loved Ones To 'Game of Thrones'
The first trailer for Game of Thrones season six has dropped, which means that it is officially too late to run. The fandom is emerging from its wintry slumber, and it is hungrier, angstier, and more annoying than ever. Game of Thrones is back to take away every person you have ever loved in this life, dragging them into its murky depths, only to give birth four months later to an all around sadder human being. It is time to save yourself and get rid of any and all Game of Thrones fans in your life. It’ll be hard. They’re cunning, secretive, and meme loving. But you have no choice.
But why trust us, you may ask. We’re obviously a part of this deranged circle of self-haters. We probably do weird stuff like, idk, pluck the wings off insects and watch them squirm, or torture baby animals or, like, other things that can be said of most serial killers and three quarters of all Game of Thrones fans. Do we even know what it means to truly “help” anyone? Or are we acting with our own secret, scandalous desires in mind?
But consider this: In a land of little morals and bountiful sex scenes, it’s not like you can really trust anyone anyway. Your brother got your mother and your father hooked, and now they’re trying to convince you that quality family time is best spent watching Westerosi prostitutes finger each other while Pornstache’s ancestor talks about honor (and no, we aren’t making this scene up). Your family and friends have already been corrupted, and you don’t wanna turn to a complete stranger for help—that’s how people get killed out here! So why don’t you put trust in us, the semi-scandalous older sib you trusted to teach you about aliens, abortion rights, and hentai. Besides, we didn’t even read the books.
Just the entirety of the GoT wikia.
Here’s a list of ways to tell if your loved one is suffering from a Game of Thrones addiction:
Text “Cut or uncut?” to any close friend. Include zero context or explanation. If any of them answer back “Idk I think Kit Harrington’s hair is still pretty long, like it’s man-bunnable and stuff still and you know that his contract said he can’t cut it and like OKAY MAYBE ITS LIKE AN INCH SHORTER BUT NOT LIKE CERSEI SHORT HE JUST GOT HIS ENDS CLIPPED JON SNOW IS TOTES ALIVE #MELISANDREHURRY #FUCKTHENONBELIEVERS.”…they’re in the fandom.
Have a one-night stand with someone. Post a status about the walk of shame. If anyone simply comments the word “shame” over and over and over again…they’re also in the fandom.
Next time your roommate cooks, purposely lose your contacts. Begin crawling on the floor in your newly blinded state. Demand to know how they could do this to you, and how you don’t regret what you’ve done. If he takes a pause and then begins talking in third person about what “the man” does and does not think…he’s in the fandom.
Buy a crow. Watch the test subject’s reactions carefully. Repeat with a variety of lizards and dire-wolf like dogs.
Go to any public place and scream, “I don’t know, I think the show is doing a lot of things better than the books!!” Try to avoid the mobs.
Start skinning everything: apples, hotdogs, pears, tamales, hot pockets. Start erecting elaborate skin art all around the house. Wait for any non-horrified responses.
Nothing stinks anymore. Everything “reeks.” Really draw out the word. If anyone flinches in pain, well…
Mention that you can’t wait for the Lady Stoneheart concert. Mention that you heard Coldhands is opening.
Delete the Internet. Destroy your credit cards. Go off the grid. Take your old Gameboy and head into the deepest, darkest cave you can find. Avoid all human contact forever. Play Animal Crossing instead. Survive off of dripping cave water and cave insects (you’re not metal enough to take down a bat).
Twenty years later, emerge to a new world. A beautiful world. One that has been cleansed of any and all references to Khaleesi’s and Drogons. Let the sun burn you alive after twenty years of living in complete darkness. Feel at peace knowing that you were tainted as well, and thus could not be let into a pure Game of Thrones free world. Die with a smile on your face.
Stay tuned to Milk for more reasons to moan about Game of Thrones.