Is Kylie Jenner A Devil Worshipper? An Illuminati Investigation
The other day, Kylie Jenner reposted a popular picture to her Instagram account of Baphomet, the goat-headed-fuck-your-gender-binary-devil-thing. The original pic had some funny things to say about seven year old brothers and what happens if they draw something like this, and someone else advising them to get out of the house immediately, and she tagged her bro Rob saying, ahem, “that’s you.” But that’s not the point here. According to reliable Instagram vigilantes, this now-deleted post is official proof that Kylie Jenner is a devil worshipping member of the Illuminati.
You know, the Illuminati. That shady organization that’s here to push their “agendas” on us so they can collect all the Dragon Balls and summon Satan. Or something. We’d probably know more if it wasn’t for the fact that they’re also brainwashing us, keeping our sheepish, plebian minds nice and sedated so that we never suspect a thing. Fun fact: you don’t actually have any control over anything you do at all, which is nice a excuse to use on your professor next week when you forget to turn in that first assignment. Think about it. Did you really want to click on this article, or was there some higher power telling you to do so? #wakeup #wereinthematrix
You know who actually has free will? Beyoncè. And also the Pope. But not Lady Gaga, she’s been brainwashed. According to the internet, there’s more celebrities in this thing than you can comfortably stuff into a four hour long awards show, meaning that pretty much everything you know is a lie. Yes, everything.
Luckily for us, the Illuminati apparently likes to leave a lot of fun little clues about their evil doings through advertisements, movie posters, music videos, buildings, hand sewn couture gowns. It’s like a fun Where’s Waldo that you can play with your estranged, shot gun toting uncle, who was disillusioned waaay before it was cool. So who can you really trust in this bleak, satanic little world?
We’re about to drop some major #truth #bombs here. Grab your nearest “Smoke Meth, Hail Satan” hoodie wearer, get that chic tinfoil hat ready, and prepare to swear off McDonald’s forever– because Satan eats it, yes, but also because it’s disgusting and made of pink things and we care about you, please stop. Join us on this journey of discovery, as we tell you who’s in and who’s out in Illuminati-Wood (we know it’s a terrible pun, leave us alone).
Willow Smith, Jayden Smith, Blue Ivy, North West, Probaby Saint West too.
Blue Ivy couldn’t possibly have been this adorable without bathing in the blood of innocents. In fact, rumor has it that Whitney Houston was axed so that she could give the then-actual-fetus her spot in the order.We guess it would’ve been too awkward to ask her to just stop showing up to things. Also, Whitney Houston was killed by the Illuminati.
Nicki Minaj, Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, Amanda Bynes, Sia, Ke$ha, Lil Wayne, Lupe Fiasco, Rihanna, all of the music industry
If you’re not at the top, you’re at the bottom. Except that us sheep are at the bottom, and we’re apparently being brainwashed. But, like, indirectly brainwashed, through these guys. Who are also brainwashed? Apparently elites like to take ordinary, fame seeking young ingenues, fuck with their minds a little, and turn them out on us to hypnotize us with the newest dance craze. Butterflies are the symbol of the transformation they have under gone at the hands of torture. Lady Gaga is the biggest victim, with all that eyeliner and stuff, but Ke$ha is also a pretty big advocate of Cold War Era torture tactics and subliminal messaging. One would think that the Illuminati might have her back on a few things if that’s the case, but we never said that they were made up of nice people. #freeke$ha2k16
Apparently, those who manage to break free of the mind control could suffer from some… unfortunate events. Like Amanda Bynes, who tweeted about having a mind chip in her brain and then got sent away. Sure, reports say that she seems like a much happier and healthier person now, but who knows. We are surrounded by a web of lies.
People who touched their eye once, so they’re just in it now.
Everyone who starred in Star Wars: The Force Awakens.
These posters for the newest Star Wars film show all the mains covering one eye with a weapon. News flash, people: That’s the elites going “neener neener neeeener” at us sheep. Covering one eye isn’t just a cool visual gimmick that creates synchronicity between characters whilst also emphasizing their differences, but is also a sure sign of Illuminati tampering. Star Wars is owned by Disney which is now owned by the Illuminati. What might’ve once been considered the only pure fandom in this world has now been forever perverted. You can run with your woes with you want to, but there’s nowhere to hide.
Jay Z, Beyonce, Prince, The Pope, Kanye West, All of the Kardashians except Rob, Caitlyn Jenner, The Obamas, everyone you’ve ever loved.
Face it: if too many people love them, they’re worshiping Satan.
There is a strange theory that there is no Illuminati at all, no “central network” of Givenchy–wearing elite, no ex-presidents planning an upcoming baby shower for the mother of the antichrist (“Should the pentagram-monogrammed napkins be baby blue, light pink, or soul-shattering-abyss black?”). Maybe all of this is just another way for people to try to come to terms with all the unfairness in the world. Our favorite people have a tendency to die on us, and sometimes they die suddenly, a huff of a candle where we expected fireworks. Ordinary people sometimes become totally, untouchably successful, while the rest of us remain unknowns. But who wants to own up to not working hard enough towards a dream, to not having the balls to quit the nine to five? Who wants to admit that as close as you felt to Whitney or Amy Winehouse, you didn’t know them enough to see their demise coming? What if all of this is just another case of people trying to explain the pain away?
…Nah. Now that just doesn’t make any sense at all.
Stay tuned to Milk for more Satanic news!
Main image by Kathryn Chadason.