slow jerk
Spanking the monkey.

World

1.19.2016

You Can Jerk Off In This NYC Phone Booth

So you’re sitting in your stuffy cubicle, staring down an endless ladder of Excel spreadsheets. Take a moment to look at the coworker to your left. Now, the coworker to your right. Statistically, one of you has been “flogging the dolphin” at work. According to TimeOut, 39 percent of staffers have occasionally fed the geese at their place of employment. Glamour’s male-only 2012 survey pins the number at a more conservative 31 percent. Either way, that’s one-third of the workforce idling with sticky, lost time on their hands.

Luckily, pleasure providers Hot Octopusscreators of the PULSE, a device they call “the world’s first luxury Guybrator”have swooped in with a solution. The company has opened up a “GuyFi” booth: a refurbished phone booth with a chair, a Wi-Fi enabled laptop, and a discreet black curtain to give your privates some privacy. In the announcement, Adam Lewis of Hot Octopuss said, “There’s no denying that working a nine to five job can be stressful on both your mind and body, especially in a non-stop city like Manhattan.” Lewis encourages men to express themselves however they wish in the installation, requesting only that they thank Hot Octopuss in the post-promotion dayglow. The concept of manually unwinding isn’t newprocrasturbating” has been listed on Urban Dictionary since 2003but it’s rarely been physically realized.

Located in Manhattan’s nether regions on 28th Street and 5th Avenue, the booth should give you ample elbow room for the post-lunch workout Matthew McConaughey rambled on about in The Wolf of Wall Street. Never mind the strong smell of ammonia, the ego-deflating cold, or the giggling troupe of tourists outsidethis is your moment to spit-shine.

As much as we appreciate the extended gesture, there are a few cockblocks to consider. First and foremost, where’s the GalPal, the GirlieWhirlie, the PhoneMoan? It’s 2016surely ladies should get their own depository. Second, public masturbation is still woefully illegal, and no amount of darkened drapery is going to change that. Mayor de Blasio has been reluctant to allow even a crescent of female areola, nevermind a man at full sail. That may be the reason for Hot Octopuss’ euphemistic language, encouraging users to “self-soothe” as opposed to, say, tame the shrew. Regardless, Hot Octopuss considers the smut-hut a grand success, saying that around 100 men “used” GuyFi on its maiden day, and that it intends to erect more facilities around the U.S. and London.

Why does the Doctor spend so much time in that TARDIS?
So that’s why the doctor spend so much time in that Tardis…

Could the stunt be a thinly veiled commentary on privacy issues surrounding New York’s LinkNYC, a program meant to turn over 7,000 of the City’s antiquated pay phones into Wi-Fi hotspots? Do you mind wanking in the walking aisle on an unsecured network? Mostly, it seems to be self-promotion. We don’t mindjust add some heat lamps and a tissue dispenser next time.

Stay tuned to Milk for more masturbatory excess.

Images courtesy 20th Century Fox, BBC, IFC.

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