Obama's Final State of the Union Speech Went Full Shade Queen
When President Obama stepped up to the podium in the House of Representatives one last time, we knew to expect more of the unfiltered flair for shade he’s debuted ever since his fucks ran out last year. Within the first minute of the State of the Union, we were regretting the decision not to pop some popcorn. And by the end of the hour-long address, which aired yesterday January 12th, we were in a bathing suit with a margarita in hand, enjoying the heat radiating from Paul Ryan’s thinly veiled distaste for sanity. Actually that may have been our body heat rising, as we struggled for an hour with the fact that, despite all of his crazy, Paul Ryan is really hot. Like, sauna hot. Luckily for us (and our waistbands), Joe Biden was there to make sure we paid attention to Obama, giving a shout out to the haters and apologizing for their inability to faze him. Here are our favorite moments from the shade queen’s farewell to the throne.
“For this final one, I’m going to try to make it shorter. I know some of you are antsy to get back to Iowa.”
Boom clap. The sound of our hearts. The shade goes on and on and on and on and on. Really though, Obama started off his speech strong with this line about the small army of politicians who are currently going full Hunger Games in Iowa, trying to win the first primary. The joke was probably the only line in any of Obama’s State of the Union addresses to make Republicans laugh. Something tells us, though, that one presidential hopeful was too busy struggling to remain conscious to realize what was happening.
“The world will look to us to help solve these problems, and our answer needs to be more than tough talk or calls to carpet bomb civilians. That may work as a TV sound bite, but it doesn’t pass muster on the world stage.”
Obama decided to throw on his sunglasses and directed some major shade at Ted Cruz’s plan to carpet bomb ISIS “into oblivion.” Cruz’s face already looks terrifyingly similar to an infant trapped on a man’s body, so it makes sense that listening to Republicans share their foreign policy ideas is like watching toddlers hit each other with blocks.
“That’s the America I know. That’s the country we love. Clear-eyed. Big-hearted. Optimistic that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word.”
Obama went hard on the football dad mentality to close his speech. He gave the country a new mantra to whisper the next time we’re deep into an argument with a racist family member on Facebook.
The Internet’s reaction to the look of despair plastered onto Paul Ryan’s face.
— Dee Phunk (@DeePhunk) January 13, 2016
When the Capri Sun straw breaks and you didn't even pierce the pouch. pic.twitter.com/UgHmHGcNNd
— Unfuckwittable. (@MsReyda) January 13, 2016
— Jason O. Gilbert (@gilbertjasono) January 13, 2016
“It’s one of the few regrets of my presidency — that the rancor and suspicion between the parties has gotten worse instead of better.”
It’s not often that a sitting President admits that they failed in their promise to unite Washington, but last night, Obama had a surprising moment of vulnerability. Throughout his nearly decade-long presidency, Americans suffered through a deadlocked Congress that cared more about party politics than people. We can only hope that whoever replaces Obama next year will have taken note of his mistakes, learn from them, and reunite a country divided.
If you forgot your book at home again and the train is delayed, you can read the full transcript of the speech here.
Stay tuned to Milk for more Obama updates before he leaves us.
Images and video via Getty, State of the Union, and Jeff Malet.