In the future, nobody can see you finish. Not even yourself. You'll have on VR goggles.

World

3.24.2016

Pornhub's Virtual Reality Porn Wants to Penetrate Your Productivity

There’s only so many times you can watch aggressive people penetrate each other in rooms decorated to look like the set from your high school’s production of Death of a Salesman before your soul starts to search for deeper meaning to life. Before you start reaching for that application to the nunnery, fear not. Pornhub is taking a break from streaming Kanye West albums and is here to fill that gaping hole you’ve been feeling since watching the 48th edition of Prison Sluts. The go-to website for lonely office workers has reached into the heavens and is bringing VR porn down to the masses, like Zeus throwing dildos and lubricant off the cliffs of Mount Olympus.

Not pictured: Zeus.
Not pictured: Zeus.

The Gringotts of Internet spank banks has partnered with BaDoinkVR, a VR porn company named by a horny thirteen-year-old who probably calls boobs “bazongas,” to create a new hub for all your VR sex needs. The new NSFW category page features videos with gripping titles like “Tease Me Timea,” “Patio Pussy Pounded,” and “Hard Day at the Office with Marta,” which should’ve been called “Hard Day at the Orifice with Marta” to avoid sounding like a blog entry from a stressed out mom, but alas, here we are. The content can be played on “most” virtual reality headsets, including Samsung Gear, Google Cardboard, and Oculus Rift. To celebrate this advancement in humanity’s quest to be as unproductive as possible, Pornhub is giving away 10,000 VR headsets, which will probably just look like the Google Cardboard but will hopefully be waterproof to avoid splash zone damage.

If the future is pretty white women with big boobs and spacious indoor swimming pools, we've arrived.
If the future is pretty white women with big boobs and spacious indoor swimming pools, we’ve arrived.

If you’re intrigued but in the sticky situation of trying to decide if wearing VR goggles while masturbating is worth the loss of your dignity, let Pornhub VP Corey Price sell you on it with a few big words. “Virtual reality is the next phase in the constantly metamorphosing world of adult entertainment, and will provide users with a mesmeric experience unlike anything they’ve seen before,” he explained in the press release. Still not sold on the mesmeric experience you’re about to have before you realize how lonely you’ve become? Good news. Pornhub also produced an advertisement for the product that features every stereotype you can expect from an ad for VR porn, including: an old man with a Viagra boner; an office full of men that you’d swipe left on if you saw them on Tinder; the aforementioned men motorboating invisible breasts; and literally only one woman whose face screams “I wasn’t paid enough to be in this.”

The videos available on Pornhub right now are taking a page from the sexbot industry’s preoccupation with heterosexual male fantasies–i.e. it’s all heterosexual porn. But as the technology grows and expands, sexual equality will surely poke into the website’s VR category page to give you the bear cub petting zoo videos you’ve been waiting for. With the VR porn industry expected to be worth $1 billion by 2025, it’s best not to shaft Porhub’s new move as a mere spurt in the growing VR market. There may be some kinks to work out as the technology grows, but at least with VR gogglesm you can’t shoot your eye out.

Stay tuned to Milk for more VR bump n’ grind.

Images via BaDoinkVR, Huffington Post, and Tumblr. 

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