Revealing Your Future With Taylor Swift's New App
Taylor Swift is teaming up with the minds behind Kim Kardashian: Hollywood to make a little hit mobile game of her own. While no one knows yet just what this might entail, we believe that it would be remiss of them not to include some reference to Taylor’s squad or her infamous love of cats. Combine all of this with a the modern rags to riches fairytale of KK:H and well, we couldn’t help but imagine what something like that would look like…
You’re just some kid in the crowd, a nameless budding hipster with a diary overflowing with love haikus and neat doodles of TSwift’s face. You’re in the squad, sure, but only by a technicality (all her fans are a part of her squad, forever and ever, amen). You are member #198,673, a fact which has found its way into every Tindr account, email address ([email protected]), and password since the ninth grade. While you’re the lowest ranking member out of all your friends, you just know that one day, all of that will change. “You’ve got big dreams kid,” remarks your grandmother as Wildest Dreams plays in the background, “but I believe in you.” Her rank is #80,542.
You’re sensitive and shy, and sadly the hardest thing your suburban town has to offer– you spend your Saturday nights trolling the Harris Teeter parking lot as pop punk remixes of popular rap songs blare from your friend’s mom’s car. That’s exactly what you’re doing when you spot a cat wandering dangerously close to a runaway shopping cart. Your Extreme Need To Do Good Activates– you dive for the cat, letting the cart hit you. Ouch! Your friends are screaming. But one scream pierces the crowd and brings you to your senses.
Spoiler Alert: This is the night that everything changes,
See, that wasn’t just any cat. That was Dr. Meredith Grey.
Your Time to Shine:
“Oh my god! Are you alright?!” Taylor Swift shouts as she runs towards you. Through your stuttering, you manage to assure her that the bruise on her back was worth it if it meant you got to save a life. Dr. Grey snuggles your Gap Sweatshirt. Your friends try to butt into the convo with a series of “OMG!’s” and “I love your music, Taylor!,” but this is purely a T-and-me conversation.
“I’m so sorry, I opened the door and she just ran out! What you did, that was, like, soo cool of you! I can’t believe you did that! And for a cat you don’t even know!” You tell her that it’s really nbd, you love all cats, everywhere. You’d do it again it a heart beat. “OMG, same. Y’know, I’ve never met someone who loved cats as much as I did! I’m giving a concert in the next city tomorrow– why don’t you come by? I’ll give you a backstage pass and everything!”
The night of the concert, you and your friends are watching the show backstage and generally living in the moment. Everything is sooo unreal. The cheers of thousands of fans caress you and you bask in it from the wings. Suddenly Taylor Swift looks back at you and grins. “And now there’s someone I’d like you guys to meet…a special friend who helped me out the other night. They’re one of my new favorite people, and I hope they’ll be one of yours too.” Omg. Omgomgomgomg. She’s gesturing for you to come out on stage. As you stumble into the limelight, the crowd goes ballistic. “Everyone, give it up for my new friend, your name” As you two sing Wildest Dreams in perfect two part harmony, you feel your entire world begin to change.
The next morning, everyone is talking about that strange yet irresistible person TSwift brought up on stage last night. Depending on how well you remembered the words to wildest dreams, your rank jumps up anywhere between 700 and 500 numbers. Congrats, you’re officially somebody now.
This is when things get real.
T asks you to become her new assistant, a job which has you traveling from LA to New York and back to Pennsylvania as she asks you to take care of her cats and pick up waterproof mascara. Your boyfriend, which you have, btw, isn’t totally cool with your new job, despite the fact that your instagram has never been so poppin. Too much neglect and he breaks up with you– just as a rude socialite named Sparkle Bedazz begins to leave mean comments on all your pics. This isn’t good.
Sit down and make a song about your heartbreak, and share it on your insta. The mix of pure emotion and cunning clapbacks soon brings flocks of new followers. Taylor is impressed. Your rank can only grow higher.
Maintain your rank by entering or leaving new relationships, writing songs about them (keep in mind, the more you write about a single guy, the less and less impressed people will get. Try to break up with guys as fast as you can), taking cute pics with Taylor’s cats, and impressing some of the more elite members of the squad, which includess everyone from Hayley Williams to Selena Gomez. Participating in Twitter beef that doesn’t involve you will hurt you more than help you, so try to be above it no matter how fun it may seem. If your friends start drinking that haterade, drop them…but be aware that dropping too many friends will lead to people questioning your definition of feminism.
Since this game would involve maintaining a careful balance of ultra-elegance and quirky cuteness in your wardrobe, we suspect that fun expansions wouldn’t come in the form of designer clothes, but fun performers to feature in your songs. This would include everyone from Charlie XCX to Ellen Degeneres (who would cost you $5 on her own, but is so, so worth it.).
This is all speculation, of course. The game could really be about battling Beyonce for the ultimate glitter-leotard collection, or helping her awkwardly dance through a crowd. But if the game does turn out to look a little bit like this, we’d appreciate a shout out (and maybe a tiny cut of the earnings. We’re poor, after all).
Stay tuned to Milk for more addictive app news.