Say Goodbye to Ted Cruz with His 5 Most Cringeworthy Moments
As Former President Lyndon B. Johnson once said, “Being president is like being a jackass in a hailstorm. There’s nothing to do but to stand there and take it.” Luckily for everyone involved, we never had to watch Ted “Crazy Pants Stryper Zodiac Not-Lucifer Grandpa Munster” Cruz enter the hailstorm—we just watched him be a jackass all year. Last night his hopes and dreams of becoming the first serial killer in the White House dissolved, as voters chose a racist xenophobic man with no political experience over him. As terrifying as his policies and Gerber murderer face are, we’ll miss him while we grapple with the reality of Donald Trump now having a legitimate chance of being our next president. Sad candidate John Kasich has also left the building–not that he had much of a shot anyway.
The good news is that while we’re drafting our contingency plans to escape the country, we can revel in the fact that everything on the Internet lives on forever. From your badly angled nudes to the beautiful trainwreck photo albums of you in high school, it’s all there. We’ve already dug into the deeply awkward and slightly terrifying moments that made Cruz’s VP-pick-for-a-week Carly Fiorina a millennial voter’s viral dream come true. Now, as Cruz sinks into oblivion like Fiorina’s presidential bid or the Titanic, we’re holding up a can of soup (we’ll get to that later) in remembrance of our five favorite Cruz moments.
When He Made Hand Holding as Uncomfortable as Seeing Your Parents Have Sex
Watching Cruz and Fiorina’s hands reject each other like a bad blood transfusion earlier this week made us want to take twenty cold showers, vomit, and then take ten more cold showers. It looked like a dove trying to fly away with two broken wings with the level of nausea we’d reserve for accidentally walking in on our parents in reverse cowgirl.
tfw your tinder date is awkward https://t.co/Ci5qlOBXms
— Adam Smith (@asmith83) May 2, 2016
When The Internet Yelled Out #FreeHeidi After Cruz Elbowed Her in the Face
In a decidedly less vomit-inducing but equally as uncomfortable moment, Cruz’s wife Heidi not only get punched in the face by her husband, but elbowed, too. It’s never easy to see someone you love try and fail to win over the hearts and minds of Americans, but this was a whole new level of sadness. In one moment, Heidi’s face became the symbol of Cruz’s entire presidential campaign. Someone #FreeHeidi, she doesn’t deserve this.
When He Released Sixteen Hours of Awkward Family Footage on YouTube
If you’ve ever wondered what Cruz looks like while trying to act out human emotions alongside a group of people who’d rather be literally any other place in the world at that moment, congrats. There are sixteen hours of footage on YouTube that you can watch to make you want to light your skin on fire while still making time for the doctor-recommended eight hours of sleep afterward. That, or you can watch the highlights that Gawker pulled together (embedded below) to make you slightly less disturbed. The video footage was professionally shot, features someone who can’t stop coughing and some fabulously sassy teens, has enough awkward embraces to last an eternity, and feels like a torture technique the CIA would use in place of waterboarding.
When People Who Went to College with Him Mercilessly Dragged Him
If we’ve learned anything from Ted Cruz, it’s that wherever he goes, he leaves behind a trail of overwhelming distaste for anyone who had the displeasure of interacting with him. Even before he became the most hated person in the Senate, he was being an awful college student at Princeton. Luckily for us, his former roommates use the Internet and aren’t afraid to drag him through the dirt. Chief among them is Craig Mazin, a screenwriter and prominent figure on Twitter, who loathed living with Cruz.
Ted Cruz thinks people don't have a right to "stimulate their genitals." I was his college roommate. This would be a new belief of his.
— Craig Mazin (@clmazin) April 13, 2016
Ted Cruz kept saying God wanted him to be President, and this is what happened. So either there is no God, or he reeeeally doesn't like Ted.
— Craig Mazin (@clmazin) May 3, 2016
When His Long Lost Twin Sister Surfaced on an Episode of Maury
“She’s more famous than Madonna!” That’s an actual quote that left the mouth of 25-year-old Freddie Green, who is the fiancé of a woman named Searcy Hayes, who is either Cruz’s long-lost sister or is actually Cruz dressed in drag. Either way, she is now experiencing more fame and success than the Cruz presidential campaign ever had. She was discovered on Maury after being accused of cheating by Green, but once the Internet caught on to her uncanny resemblance, her world changed. Now she’s set to make $10,000 doing a ten-minute sextape for porn website XHamster.com, which is a beautifully American turn of events. Cruz may be out of the race, but at least we can point to the story of Hayes and her impending sextape as the one American who was helped by his presidential campaign.
Images via Gawker, Huffington Post, Ted Cruz, and Getty.
Stay tuned to Milk for more Cruz-free political covered.