Scary SantaCon Coming to Williamsburg: WTF Is Going To Happen?

It’s that time of year again, folks–flushed red faces, cheers of revelry, and the street lined with vomit so laden with alcohol that you probably shouldn’t light a match anywhere near it. Oh, you thought I meant the holidays? No, my friends, something much more sinister is coming town, and it’s known by one, spine-chilling name: SantaCon.

The horrific convention occurs each December. Hundreds of drunk, red-faced people dressed as Santa take over New York City’s bars, leaving pools of vomit in their wake. Basically, SantaCon is messy, loud, and fratty as hell. Participants do donate to charity–but they’re still the worst. Exhibit A: 

This year, instead of clogging the streets of the East Village, the brigade of holiday sorrow will be infiltrating some new territory: Williamsburg. After they preemptively got kicked out of Bushwick last year, the tidal wave of Claus based “fun” has its sights set on starting in McCarren Park. Looking into the magic crystal, Milk has a few predictions for the Santapocolypse to come. 

Allison Brie is sexy as hell, but still, please spare us.
Allison Brie is sexy as hell, but still, please spare us.
  1. All the coffee shops will feature a new drink for pre-gaming con-goers that’s actually just a Pumpkin Spice Latte with a shot of Jack. It’ll cost $45 (the dairy-free option is $100 flat).

  2. Someone will have to make an actual sleigh to float down a vomit flooded Bedford Ave.

  3. A really gross, sweaty Santa is going to ask a girl to sit on his lap. That girl is going to write a very hard-hitting think piece about it.

  4. Some very fashionable child is going to ask that same Santa if they can give him/her their Christmas list. He’s going to read it and immediately say, “Brah, no Madden 16?”

  5. Instead of a vomit clean up fee, Uber drives will just add a $300 “obnoxious Santa trying to get back into Manhattan” fee.

  6. Ms. Claus will un-ironically call Williamsburg “Billyburg,” and everyone will collectively side-eye.

  7. There will be a “Who Wore It Better” article, the next day, between Krampus and a stray dog.

  8. “Slutty, the Elf” will very seriously call someone a  “cotton-headed ninny muggins.” Someone may confuse it for a racial slur.

  9. Two Santas will fight over a highly inebriated elf. No one will win.

  10. The L train will cease to exist.

SantaCon is here on December 12th. Stay inside.

Feature image by Eric Harvey Brown.

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