Still Alive? Here's Your Recap of the Balmain x H&M Insanity
Congratulations. If you’re reading this, you’re still alive. Today was a dark day indeed as millions flocked to the streets to spread chaos and chic Instagram pics. Not one Westboro Baptist whatever or doomsday soothsayer predicted that today would be the day that the world ended. Nor did they begin to mention that it was not to be brought on by a rain of fire, nor by souls suddenly evaporating into the ozone. The Balmain x H&M collection was unleashed upon the world this morning and its arrival plunged whole cities into chaos.
So we’re glad to see you’re still around. Today was super scary and totally not fun, but at least we still have each other.
We can all appreciate a good collab. From Supreme X Commes des Garçon to Palace x Adidas to Pucci x NOWNESS, we love it when a two designers come together and find something unique in one another. Still, we tend to show our love in more reserved ways. We like to be aloof and cool, usually with the cold distance of the Internet between us. Just ask any of our exes. So when Balmain x H&M was announced, we just quietly stalked its hashtags like a lovestruck adolescent girl. It’s like, our thing.
Meanwhile, Balmain x H&M had inspired the sort of frenzy previously reserved for Black Friday sales and Fransluts (people who are sluts for Pope Francis). This is due to possible mad scientist Olivier Rousteing, who plied us with images of Kendall Jenner and Gigi Hadid attempting a poorly maneuvered “whip” in the weeks leading up to the collection’s release.
Those moments of pure, unadulterated whiteness, combined with runway shows, a planned or unplanned “leak,” and the highest quality model selfies this side of Instagram, has melded into the perfect storm. Countries all across the world were being terrorized by hordes of fashion zombies whose sheer size and willpower threatened to topple whole governments. Or local malls, anyway. In Seoul, shoppers spent three whole nights in line waiting to see if they would finally be blessed by Rousteing’s creations. People waited hours upon hours in the rain.
Surprising absolutely no one, the clothing store’s website was the first to fall. Because if we’ve learned one thing from horror films, it’s that you can kiss the Internet goodbye first when the world goes to shit. Hours later, when the smoke finally cleared, there was but a single item still left up for grabs: a white bandeau top for $25. Considering that so many films have shown us that the white bandeau will be the only real article of clothing left post apocalypse, we’re hardly shocked.
This is the luck afforded to those who tried to cop the clothes from the safety of their homes. Those who fought it out in the trenches were met with literal stampedes. The blessed were rewarded with with all the luxurious jackets and magenta dresses they could shuck on eBay for four times the original price. The less fortunate were forced to watch in despair as others dragged their hopes and dreams away in heavy black
If you’re one of those poor unfortunate souls, we’ll pray for the recovery of your sanity. Maybe send a few unicorn emojis your way. The rest of us will be busy turning up.
Images via WordPress, Instagram, and Cosmopolitan.