Exposing The Truth Behind 'Natural' Beauty
Over the course of my life, I’ve heard an alarming amount of men say that women look prettier without makeup—that we don’t need it. Even our Lord and savior Drake agrees. In his words, “Sweatpants, hair tied, chilling with no makeup on / That’s when you’re the prettiest, I hope that you don’t take it wrong.”
Mehhhh. Like, we get it. “Blah, blah, blah, girls don’t need makeup to be pretty. Blah.” But also, who asked you? Most people can’t even tell the difference between au naturel and bronzer. In fact, some men believe they’re actually victims in an elaborate makeup scheme that’s meant to deceive and then someday take over the world. If you think I came out of the womb with smokey eyes and five-inch eyelashes, then you’re sorely mistaken.
Last year, a story about a man who sued his wife after seeing her natural face for the first time, went completely viral. It was later proven to be a hoax, but it resonated for a reason: men want women who “look natural,” but they’re not necessarily prepared for what “natural” really means.
In a world of incessant #IWokeUpLikeThis selfies, there’s perpetual confusion over what physical features women are born with, and what’s really Maybelline. Even though it’s kind of none of your business, maybe we should address it. Let’s clear the air for those who don’t get the point of makeup, and turn their worlds upside down. For the men out there who aren’t privy to the wonders of contouring, prepare yourself—I’m about to drop some hard knowledge. Because most of the time, what looks effortless actually requires a lot of effort. Too much effort. Fuck the patriarchy.
In our society, eyebrows are the key to respect and status. Just look at Cara Delevingne and Justin Theroux. Not all of us mortals have the gift of growing bountiful brows. Some of us are forced to live with our sad, raggedy, God-given brows (or perhaps brows that were tweezed too thinly in the ’90s). If my eyebrows are on fleek, it’s because I drew that shit in. It’s called an eyebrow pencil. Thank you, eyebrow pencils.
Contouring is the keystone of the Kardashian family. This sacred art is used to give you high cheekbones, a sharp nose, and a jaw line where there is none. It’s the greatest form of black magic available through makeup and hours of your time. What’s the easiest way to spot this witchcraft? Check the difference between the shade of someone’s face and their hands. If the colors are wildly off, she’s probably a witch—just kidding. You really should respect that person, because he/she has mad makeup skills. As “deceptive” as it people may think contouring is, it’s actually kind of an art form. Just look at this girl! She’s basically Picasso.
I don’t mean the back-arching pictures you take when your roommates aren’t home. I’m talking about monochrome colors, like nudes, browns, mauves, and other earthy tones. Despite popular belief, the “natural look” does require makeup. In fact, it requires primer, foundation, bronzer, a palette of neutral eye shadow colors, mascara, and just a touch of lip balm. All of that can add up to hundreds of dollars at Sephora. Before you praise the woman who goes “natural,” maybe think twice about whether she’s actually wearing makeup and what that says about your character. Why praise someone based on whether they do or don’t wear makeup? Maybe find some other things to think highly of a person for.
A hair washing routine is a sacred ritual that cannot be modified. Everyone should know their limits when it comes to not washing their hair. Mine is a maximum of three days, because apparently my skull is filled with oil that seeps into my scalp, prompting people to ask if my hair is wet. Nope, that’s just grease I found from the back of a McDonald’s grill. If I washed my hair yesterday, then I can’t wash it today, but if I don’t have time to wash it tomorrow I should just wash it today or go two days without washing it. Day one will be a guaranteed good hair day, day two will be a cute “bed head” day [innocently giggles], day three is a wild card, and day four is most likely a bird’s nest. DO YOU SEE HOW MAD THIS IS? IT NEVER STOPS.
But basically, those bed head pictures that you see, of super chic model girls with messy strands? Yeah, they didn’t just roll out of bed. Proper bed head requires product and styling tools and time. If natural bed head really looked that good, then everyone would be on time to work a lot more often.
Wow, you sure fell for it, dumb-dumb. You really think us plebeians don’t show any evidence of sleep deprivation like dark circles? Do you think we actually get the recommended amount of sleep a night? False! I stay up until one in the morning just perusing the Internet, and I look like a drug-overdosed goblin by the time my alarm clock goes off (This is my life and these are my choices). What’s my secret? I’m a wizard. I use a special sorcery called makeup to get rid of those bags and dark circles so I don’t frighten children when they see me walking down the street. Some people do manage to look cool with them, though. Because life is unfair.
I know that nothing will ever be the same after taking in all of this mind-blowing information. It’s hard to stomach that underneath our bronzer and eyebrow pencil scribbles that we’re all really monsters, but that’s life. The joke’s on you if you believed mere streetwalkers could naturally look like goddesses. Everything is a lie. Go ahead and sue us.
Stay tuned to Milk for more beauty myths.
Main image by Kathryn Chadason.