Meet Elvie, Your Most Personal Trainer: It's For Your Vagina
You’re a modern, busy woman, and fitness is important to you. You’ve tried every kind of cleanse, fad workout and new-age remedy known to man. In fact, you’re probably even wearing a fitness tracker on your wrist right now. There exists only one, sacred part of your body not sculpted, toned and synced up to the cloud. Yes, we’re talking about your vagina. However wonderful and empowering we consider our vaginas to be, we still never bother to think about them when we go to the gym, and we associate Kegel exercises with something our mom would lie about doing. Now, there’s a new fitness tracker on the market aiming to change that.
It’s called Elvie, and it is, essentially, a fitbit for your cooch. Described on its website as “your most personal trainer,” the Elvie is a sleek, silicon-covered Bluetooth device which connects to an app on your smartphone, records your Kegel exercises and tracks your progress.
How it works is simple: just download the app, fully charge the device, and stick it… up there. Once it’s snugly and comfortably situated, you can choose from a number of 5-minute training routines, which involve different combinations of squeezing, pulsing and holding. The program registers the strength of your squeezes, and calibrates a unique digital profile just for your vagina.
Now, Kegel workouts have long been known to have a multitude of beneficial effects. A stronger pelvic floor is a wonderful defense against pesky bladder infections and sexual dysfunction, and can even prevent your uterus from falling out. Yes, that’s an actual thing that can happen. When gynecology meets technology, however, a whole new world opens up. Strengthening your vag with the help of Elvie’s minimalist, easy-to-use interface, you’ll be able to
- Compete with friends in fun Kegel challenges (this is especially fun at parties)
- Smash the patriarchy with 55% increased power and efficiency
- Check Instagram… while Kegeling!
- Brag to everyone about how strong your Kegels are
- Lie about how much you really use it by squeezing the device with your hand instead (much easier)
- Ignore the reminders on your phone to do your exercises, feel shitty about yourself, and order dumplings instead
We get it. $200 is a lot of money, and perhaps you still need a little more convincing before you drop that kind of dough on a vaginal accessory—especially one that doesn’t promise immediate and satisfaction. Using Elvie requires a serious investment of time, money and energy, but is probably seriously rewarding in the long-term. Your crotch will thank you.
Lead image by Kathryn Chadason. Additional image via Elvie.
Stay tuned to Milk for more vaginal exercise.