The Government Doesn't Want You To Know Gucci Mane is a Clone
He goes by many names: Gucci Mane, Guwop, Mr. Zone 6. But what about clone? Ever since Gucci Mane’s emergence in the early 2000s, the Atlanta-based rapper has traded in stunting on the radio waves for stinting behind bars. These prison intermissions would weigh down any man, but Gucci is no Mane.
Since his release from prison in late May, Gucci’s workmanship has been never-ending. Fresh out the (prison) gate, he dropped the aptly-titled song “1st Day Out Tha Feds.” Then he collaborated with Billboard 100 dominator Drake for “Back on Road,” featuring a verse that alluded to Muhammed Ali’s death, and released on the exact day he died. After that, Guwop reunited with Spring Breakers director Harmony Korine to shoot a short promo for Supreme. All this hullabaloo seems to only be adding more hype to his July 22nd album, Everybody Looking. But an ominous shadow has been cast over Mane’s extraordinary output, and only a brave few are willing to speak out. Is Gucci Mane actually a Gucci Machine? Join us, as we delve into the darkest corners of the web to uncover the truth.
First, let’s lay out the theory. Bumbling, affable Gucci Mane tragically passed away in prison. In his place, secret Government cloning centers manufactured new Guccis. It may seem far-fetched, but the evidence is all around us. New Gucci doesn’t look similar to Old Gucci. He doesn’t sound similar. Even his iconic ice cream tattoo looks little more like some pre-K tracing paper shit. Sure, a Government shill would argue that Gucci spent his downtime doing crunches in prison, that his lack of swisher blunts and double cups has affected his speech, and that tattoos fade naturally with time. But easy answers equal easy deception. As flat-earth advocate and occasional musician B.o.B. noted on Twitter, changes in a celebrity’s mental or physical condition serve as clear evidence of cloning. Here are a few more inconvenient truths for the doubters.
Notice a celebrity who have tattoos or piercings mysteriously vanish ? = cloning center
— B.o.B (@bobatl) December 7, 2015
Gucci Mane’s Teeth Are Whiter than a Secret Freemason Meeting
The Guwop of yesteryear wore grills. He’d smile and offer blunt hits to his bedazzled Bart Simpson neckpiece. We loved him. Gucci Mane 2.0, by contrast, has ditched the dental diamonds, seemingly replacing them with an intimidating set of chompers. Each one of his teeth looks mathematically perfect, an ant line of Orbit gum. Could Guwop’s veneers be hiding the truth? The last time I saw teeth so deafeningly white was in Inspector Gadget. RoboGadget, a mechanical clone of Inspector Gadget created to cause chaos, rocked a straight set of pearly whites. Coincidence? Only if you believe in coincidences. RoboGadget, meet RoboGucci.
Gucci’s Clones Abound in “1st Day Out Da Feds”
You didn’t think we had a video, did you? Well we do; because as everyone well knows, you can’t throw around accusations in 2016 if you don’t have the clips to back it up. The music video for “1st Day Out Tha Feds” features four different Guccis, all in the same frame. And while the video does have a director, Gabriel Hart, it doesn’t credit a special effects crew. Essentially, this is basic math: 0 Special Effects + 4 Guccis = Government Clones.
Guwop Learns About The Real World Via Snapchat
Similar to Star Trek‘s Spock, Gucci Mane’s clone is on a quest to learn what it means to be human. His girlfriend Keisha Ka’oir has been there every step of the way, Snapchatting the glitches in RoboGucci’s programming. Consider how Gucci’s clone must evaluate self-worth when it watches Gucci Prime portray a villain in Spring Breakers. Or, how he could discover Game of Thrones, a show that has been on air for years, as if it were brand new programming.
Like a party rental magician, we’ve saved the best for last. On Snapchat, Gucci Mane addressed the rumors of his cloning head-on: “I’m hearing that Gucci is a clone. I will neither support nor deny those accusations.” Whatever you say, Gucci Machine.
CIA: Mr. President. We've finally perfected cloning and are willing to test it out on civilians.
Obama: Clone Gucci Mane.
— Kazeem Famuyide (@RealLifeKaz) June 21, 2016
Wake up, people. The proof is in the pudding.
Image courtesy of High Snobiety.
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