The Illuminati Truth You Need to Know About Beyonce's 'Lemonade' Project
We haven’t been this excited about a citrus beverage since that pink lemonade scene in Bridesmaids. Beyoncé has struck her Bey Hive with a few well-placed lemons, which have now been whipped up into a frenzy unseen since, well, the last time Queen B made an announcement. Yes it’s true that “Lemonade” could be just about anything and Beyoncé would still steal our hearts, but nevertheless, we’re thirsty to know more about her mysterious HBO special.
To help quench our unyielding desire for “Lemonade” deets, we dove deep into the (inter)web of lies and deceit to find some slightly bitter truth about what the hell “Lemonade” is—if that’s even its real name. At this point, we’re more suspicious than a suburban mom peeking through the blinds at a strange car parked outside next to her hydrangeas. Ahead of Saturday’s 9PM EST reveal, here’s what we deduced about the biggest lemonade-related revelation since that time we discovered Lemonade Scandal, a casual anime about flying scissors.
After aggressively shaking the metaphorical lemon tree for clues, this “Lemonade” business began to look more like an actual Illuminati conspiracy that’s been in the works since September. Which, if we’re running with this theory, would mean that, seven months ago, Beyoncé laughed in a secret lair deep within the Illuminati headquarters inside an Egyptian pyramid and decided to post not one, not two, but three lemon-themed Instagram posts in anticipation of her newest project.
This is significant for anyone well-versed in Illuminati symbolism, which we are. Three is one of the more famous symbols of the shadowy organization, which now has us worried that “Lemonade” is actually a front for an hour-long brainwashing video. This wouldn’t be the first time Queen Overlord Bey has used the symbolism of three to invoke the spirit of the Illuminati. She’s been throwing up the hand sign for years.
Now that we know we’re almost definitely dealing with something that could be the next Illuminati recruitment video, the next question is: what the hell is it going to consist of? Theories have ranged from a “docu-style special” similar to 2013’s Life Is But a Dream, to a “lengthy concept video,” but we’re still on the hunt for the real answer.
After buzzing around the Bey Hive, we found out that Beyoncé’s Illuminati HQ in Manhattan contains the official Beyoncé archive, which is “a temperature-controlled digital-storage facility that contains virtually every existing photograph of her.” We also found out that there is a dark conspiracy about how Elle got the first exclusive interview with Beyoncé in over two years (it involves the standard treachery and web of lives that we’ve come to expect from the shadowy organization). What we didn’t find out, however, was what the project definitely is, so we combined our clues and came up with the most obvious answer to the world’s most important question, what is “Lemonade?”
Coming to you on April 23rd at 9PM EST, HBO’s “Lemonade” will most likely be an hour-long film about one woman’s quest to create the ultimate lemonade recipe. Starring Beyoncé as the singing lemonade connoisseur and Jay-Z as her main squeeze(er), it will guest star DJ Khaled in a number of scenes filmed exclusively through Snapchat as he helps Beyoncé find the major key to the best lemonade the world has ever seen. Lemons will be juiced and lives will be changed forever as one woman falls crazy in love with the beverage that could ultimately destroy her. That, or a film that strings together videos from her new album into one cohesive narrative. Either/or.
Stay tuned to Milk for more on “Lemonade.”
Images via Tumblr, Instagram, and Entertainment Tonight.