You probably won't believe it yet, but this is the face of pure evil.
You probably won't believe it yet, but this is the face of pure evil.



The 'Jar Jar Binks Is Actually A Sith Lord' Theory Will Blow Your Mind

As the force reawakens in all of us and we prepare to rock back and forth crying over the return of Star Wars to movie screens tonight, December 17th, one thing remains clear. Over the course of six films and the introduction of dozens of characters, Jar Jar Binks is still the absolute worst person to ever appear in the galaxy far, far away. He’s almost universally hated and has become one of the go-to excuses fans have for why the new trilogy of films was so bad—alongside pod racing, young and old Anakin Skywalker’s acting, overuse of CGI, and dozens of other things.

Jar Jar is like the drunken uncle who shows up to your birthday party because he found out through Facebook about it, and then has to sleep on your couch because he blacked out after vomiting on your cake. He’s that bad. That may all change though because a fan theory posted by user Lumpawarroo on Reddit is gaining traction and has the Internet freaking the fuck out. It’s gotten so big that it even prompted a response from The Force Awakens director J.J. Abramshe’s a supporter. So what is this weird theory? You may want to sit down.

“Jar Jar Binks is not the bumbling fool that we all grew up thinking he was. He’s actually a trained user of the Force and a Sith collaborator who teamed up with Palpatine to take down the Jedi.”

If that sounds too ridiculous to be true, just wait. There is a mountain of evidence to support it, and it all starts with a Shaolin Monks and a fighting style called Zui Quan, or Drunken Fist wushu. The Jedi fighting style is based in this Monk tradition and Kendo sword fighting. Jar Jar, in all his bumbling and uncoordinated glory, is a dead ringer for the Drunken Fist fighting style, and throughout all three films, always seemed to have just enough luck to avoid dying in battle. I should remind you that he single-handedly took down a battle-droid tank, unleashed a barrage of boombas on the front lines of a battle, and precisely targeted multiple enemies with a blaster tangled around his ankle. I repeat: It. Was. Tangled. Around. His. Ankle.

That is the strongest Jedi voodoo shit we’ve ever seen, and it can’t be attributed to mere dumb luck. After all, Obi Wan famously said, “In my experience, there’s no such thing as luck.” It isn’t just battles he’s suspiciously adept at—he also is really good at executing jumps that would make Superman blush.

But with all that evidence, it just solidifies the proposition that he’s a Force user. To get to the dark heart of his Sith allegiance, we’ve got to look at his hands. Stick with me here. Recall the famous scene where Obi Wan goes full badass, and uses a quick swish of his wrist to control the minds of Storm Troopers looking for R2D2 and C3PO?


Now, think about the three most ludicrous decisions the writers ever made in regards to Jar Jar Binks. This bumbling idiot is promoted to Bombad General, then to the Senate, and then convinces the entire Galactic Senate to abandon democracy. These plot points are infuriating because of their clear lack of realism in the world of Star Wars, but start to make a whole lot more sense if we believe that Jar Jar is a master of Jedi Mind Control. In each of those three scenes, we catch Jar Jar subtly waving his hand—a telltale sign of mind control. Plus, how else would he convince two Jedi to take him along on a journey without some kind of hypnosis?

Welcome to your new nightmare.
Welcome to your new nightmare.

With your mind officially blown we give you a casual “sorry, not sorry,” because if this theory is true, it changes the entire plot of the Star Wars universe. Take a sick day for the rest of your shift, race home, and watch the first three films with the knowledge that Jar Jar Binks is probably the most evil person in the universe. Of all the wild and ludicrous fan theories, it’s time for us to admit that the Force is strong with this one.

Stay tuned to Milk for more news from a galaxy far far away.

Images from Star Wars and Tumblr. 

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