Here, indulge in this step-by-step guide to unleashing your true, witch-y potential. Warning: it involves smokey eyes.



The Milk Guide to Embracing Your Inner Witch on Friday the 13th

Are hats the new hair? Are boyfriends the new coat? Are pescatarians still relevant? How about pedicures? Here at The Teat, our new humor column, we answer none of these questions. So have a seat; stay awhile. We don’t bite—unless you’re chocolate. Then we absolutely do.

Double, double toil and trouble with the MTA. Fire burn, and caldron bubble like your stomach after your Chipotle burrito. Friday the 13th is upon us and it has everyone feeling a little bit witchy—or at least slightly bitchy. The day that’s historically become associated with black cats, superstition, and getting Pepe tattooed on your body for $20 has returned and it’s ready to send you on a spiritual journey back to the angsty Hot Topic days of your high school past.

So go on, let the spirit of the holiday overtake you like a demonic possession. We know you just saw The Witch and now feel more ready than ever to denounce your old life and take up witchcraft. Which is why we prepared the steps you’ll need to unleash your true, witch-y potential.

Beware of the witches tonight. Or of allergies. Either/or.

Step 1: Donate Your Clothes to Satan and Dress Only in Black Clothing from Oak

Rid yourself of all color. The most essential aspect of becoming your true witchy self is in the presentation and, girl, it isn’t going to happen in an outfit that looks like a color wheel. Throw all of your non-black clothes in a trash bag and send it straight to Satan, which means lighting it all on fire. I know you may want to take them to a place like Salvation Army, but that organization is famously fucked up, antigay, and conservative, which we learned is the exact opposite of what Satan has taught his followers. Head to your nearest Oak and bask in the overpriced drapes they dyed black and sewed haphazardly together in their witch factories. Think AHS: Coven with less fashion hats, because honestly, pointed hats are so 1700s.

Say “no” to pointed hats, but maybe yeah sure to pointed shoes.


Step 2: Do Smokey Eye Makeup Using the Ashes of Your Enemies

With your body draped in black, the next logical step is to collect the ashes of your enemies you’ve been burning and use them in your beauty routine. The alternative is to use coal but we’re eco-friendly witches and coal is America’s biggest source of carbon dioxide emissions. The darker your smokey eye, the closer you’ll feel to the gates of heaven you’ll never enter when you embrace full witchdom.

Extra points if you can give yourself a cat eye with fallen angel wings.


Step 3: Sign Up for the Her Dating App and A Few Feminist Meet-Up Groups

Famed televangelist and verbal diarrhea enthusiast Pat Robinson has let a lot of nasty words slip out of his mouth hole, but this one flies above all others by way of broomstick: “The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.” Thanks for the to-do list, Pattycakes. To truly embrace your witch vibe now that your makeup and clothes have you dressed to hex, the only option is to dust off the Her app and find a lesbian lover to attend feminist meet-ups with you. Groups of women (especially 13 of them together) have historically been accused of witchcraft, so you’re really just proving the haters right before you jinx them into oblivion.

Hold tight while I destroy capitalism, k?

Step 4: Listen to The Squawk of Crows (or the Stevie Nicks Discography)

As you may have known if you frequent spiritanimals.info like we do, the crow is the spirit animal of witches everywhere because of its longstanding association with witchcraft and magic. Common crow traits include intelligence, higher perspective, fearlessness, and flexibility—which is a trait we wish our ex had. Surround yourself with this animal and listen to it squawk as you read through your spellbook. Well, do that or just listen to Stevie Nicks sing. She’s been rumored to be a witch for decades and AHS: Coven confirmed it, so start dancing in your shawl—it’s time for the final step.

Did someone say “caw”? No? Great.


Step 5: Sacrifice a Goat in Prospect Park and Dance in it’s Blood

Okay okay, so this one seems a little drastic, but we assure you that goat sacrifices are par for the course in the Brooklyn park. Severed goat heads have been found throughout the park and in neighborhoods surrounding the park. Where are the bodies? Ask the witches who live in Brooklyn. Nobody said being a witch is easy. Sometimes you have to step it up and sacrifice a goat or two. Just don’t do the electric slide while dancing in their blood. You want to look elegant this Friday the 13th, not like post-Prom Carrie.

Imagery by Gabi Cossens 

Stay tuned to Milk for more witchy news. 

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