The Millennial Perspective On Carly Fiorina's Special Kind Of Crazy
It’s been a wild and weird week in America’s ongoing circus act to elect a leader who won’t destroy the country, and things aren’t looking good. After five states voted on Tuesday and cut down all hope of making the White House #FeelTheBern, Hillary Clinton looks poised to take on whatever mess emerges from the Republican Party. The odds are now terrifyingly high that Donald Trump will be the GOP’s nominee in the general election, but that hasn’t stopped his only competition, Ted Cruz, from going full crazy in a last-ditch effort to win back the momentum that vanished when he failed to win any state contests this week. His newest plan involves trying to become the most disgustingly transphobic thing to happen to America since Mississippi’s latest “religious freedom” law.
Cruz has already had problems appealing to anyone other than Evangelical Christians who adore his proposed ban on dildos, but his new fight against transgender rights is the absolute wrong move if he wants to win over the largest generational group in the United States–the millennials. We’ve already reported on how bad he is for the youth on everything from tax cuts and student loans to climate change. He must’ve read the report too, because he just threw in a hail-mary-saving-grace move to try winning the attention we usually reserve for grey-haired old guys from Vermont.
Yesterday, Ted Cruz did the best thing for his campaign in months: he brought on Carly Fiorina as his Vice Presidential running mate. Sure, Cruz now has no mathematical chance of winning enough delegates to secure the nomination, and Fiorina crashed and burned as a Republican presidential candidate, and was so hated as Hewlett-Packard’s CEO that when she got fired, it caused their stocks to rise by 6.9% in celebration.
That doesn’t matter though, because Fiorina doesn’t need to be a good businesswoman or good presidential candidate to win our hearts: all she needs to do is be herself. If there’s one thing young people care about more than themselves, it’s the power of going viral, and that’s why Fiorina is our new queen. To celebrate her step back into politics alongside Cruz’s doomed campaign, here are the best things Fiorina has done that will exist forever on the Internet.
When She Sang Her Way into Our Nightmares
Every young person loves a good spine-chilling song that’s sang during a political press conference, right? Fiorina may have terrified us but we’re a generation who spent hours in theaters watching every Paranormal Activity movie. We love torturing ourselves! That’s why watching her sing to Cruz’s children at the campaign rally where he announced her as his running mate was so beautifully tragic.
When She Admitted to Eating Dog Biscuits as a Child
During a truly bizarre video she filmed ahead of one of the few debates she was in before dropping out, Fiorina appealed to millennials everywhere when she admitted to eating Milkbone dog treats as a kid before literally biting one in half to feed to a puppy. As someone who once ate a gourmet dog biscuit that I got my puppy for Christmas, she won me over. Oh yeah, and she also told the puppies that Obama ate their cousin, which is the kind of brash rhetoric young people love to tweet about.
When She Kidnapped Toddlers for a Pro-Life Rally
Ah, children. Young people are having kids at dramatically lower rates these days. That’s why we’re fans of the time Fiorina used them for props during a pro-life rally. We may not agree with her stance on abortion, but we definitely understand the power of a good child prop. I mean, isn’t that why we’re all attracted to at least one DILF or MILF in our lives?
When She Introduced Demon Sheep into Politics
Six years ago, Fiorina made history by creating what may have been one of the first big political memes: the demon sheep. She’d been running for a seat on the California Senate held by Democratic Senator Barbara Boxer, and one of her opponents was fellow Republican Tom Campbell. In a bizarre burst of campaigning against Campbell, she chose to highlight his supposedly failed economic policies in true Fiorina fashion–with a demon sheep analogy. She didn’t win, but that’s fine, because we youth love a good loser. We also love drugs, which makes the nearly three-and-a-half-minute ad perfect, since it ended up making us feel like we’re on acid. We’re still wondering what happened to the guy they dressed up as a sheep.
When She Tried Rolling Her R’s and Took a Tequila Shot
Ah, Fiorina. If all other things didn’t secure your place in our heart, your hispandering attempt to win the Latino vote in 2010 did. She went full “white college freshman on spring break in Cancun” for this one and gave us another truly bizarre video, though this one is clearly fan made. We aren’t sure what the rosy future of a Cruz/Fiorina future looks like but if it anything like her political career thus far, millennials have their new political hero.
Stay tuned to Milk for more millennial politics.
Original imagery via Kathryn Chadason. Additional imagery via The Guardian.