The UK Angers Bottoms Everywhere with Proposed Ban on Poppers

It’s definitely not on and poppin’ in the UK right now, if the recent poppers ban is anything to go by. There’s a fierce debate among MPs—or Members of Parliament—about the proposed Psychoactive Substances Bill that would ban the recreational drug. You know, that thing you used last weekend when that guy from the Internet came over to watch Halle Berry movies with you? Well, they may soon be outlawed across the pond. The alkyl nitrites are being targeted among a group of about 100 different “New Psychoactive Substances” (or NPS’s)  that the UK wants to crack down on over the next year. The production, distribution, sale, and supply of poppers will be made illegal if the proposed law passes.

The problem is that poppers aren’t just any normal drug. When you sniff poppers from the bottle, users experience a head rush and short high that’s comparable to the feeling I get when Entenmann’s Cheese Filled Crumb Coffee Cake is on sale at the grocery store. Oh yeah, and it loosens up those muscles, babe—anal muscles, that is—making the bump and grind a little bit less of a grind. If diamonds are a girl’s best friend, poppers are a bottom’s best friend—well, that and a gallon of lube. They’ve long been available in gay bars and clubs, and there’s been no serious evidence that they pose health risks. If it turns out the drug is banned, that wouldn’t go into effect until a study by Medicine and Healthcare Products Regulatory Authority is finished later this year. If the results show that poppers cause no serious health risks, then the ban could be rescinded, which would surely elicit a “yaaaaaas” heard ’round the country.

Wait, so does "sniff sniff pass" apply to orgies?
Wait, so does “sniff sniff pass” apply to orgies?

The debate over poppers has produced one unlikely ally inside the Parliament’s chamber. Conservative MP Crispin Blunt, who happens to be Emily Blunt’s fav gay uncle, has emerged as a fierce defender of the drug, calling out the ban in an emotional confession yesterday.

“There are sometimes when something is proposed which becomes personal to you and you realize the government is about to do something fantastically stupid. In those circumstances one has a duty to speak up,” he said. “I use poppers. I ‘out’ myself as a popper user, and would be directly affected by this legislation, and I am astonished to find it is proposing to be banned, so would very many other gay men.”

The debate over the drug is pretty ludicrous given that two months ago, Ireland voted to decriminalize weed, cocaine, and heroin over the next year. If you can party hard on heroine, what’s wrong with a little pop pop and butt play? The ban isn’t official yet, but we’ll be keeping our eye on the latest developments.

Stay tuned to Milk for more drug news.

Main image by Kathryn Chadason.

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