There's A New Planet, And It'll Mess Up Your Horoscope
Scientists discovered what could be the ninth planet in our solar system. And if you follow astrology, this could explain a lot of the glitches in our universe. For instance, why is Trump still in the race for POTUS? Where is Rihanna’s new album? How did Drake seduce us with a turtleneck and pastel lights?
It all makes so much sense now.
The new, lurking mass in space is about the size of Neptune, with a mass that’s ten times greater than the Earth’s. It has an orbit that lasts 15,000 years. To give you a little perspective on how late to the party this planet is, Neptune’s orbit is only 165 years. Scientists are calling this elusive mass “Planet X,” and it’s going to flip over a table called your life.
Pluto is probably feeling pretty hurt right about now after being killed out of the solar system, and it’s bringing in a lot of bad energy. Here’s an amateur explanation of how your weekly horoscope will be affected.
Aquarius | January 20th – February 18th
Mercury is still in retrograde, but since Planet X is late to everything, Mercury will remain in retrograde prison for a liiiiiiiittle bit longer. You’ll be completely thrown off guard, and there will be a huge miscommunication in your love life. If you’re thinking of asking your crush out on a date, think again, and save yourself the embarrassment. The spark you thought you felt was as fleeting as a Taco Bell dinner through your intestines. Planet X is sending mixed messages. Sorry.
Pisces | February 19th – March 20th
Past loves are coming to haunt you, and you’ll have an unfortunate run in with…your exes. They will bombard you with, “you up?” and “hey…” text messages like a plague from The Bible. One will even contact you via LinkedIn. Avoid reigniting any flames.
Aries | March 21st – April 19th
Planet X explains why you’ve been such a klutz lately. Be careful, because your next fumble could take place in front of your coworkers or an attractive person. It will be noticeable, and it will be embarrassing. Good luck with those stairs!
Taurus | April 20th – May 20th
You have plans to go on vacation soon, but the cheap digs you’ll find will most likely be absolute garbage. Keep an eye out for all things sketchy, because Planet X is careless. You could unknowingly take home bed bugs or some kind of fungus. Have fun burning your mattress!
Gemini | May 21st – June 20th
Planet X is sending social vibes, forcing you to press pause on Netflix and give a damn about your friends for once. Ignore! The vibes are trouble! The train you take to meet your pals is going to go down in flames, and you’ll be stuck in the subway on the other side of town for hours—possibly days. You’re better off isolated under layers of blankets with a hot laptop.
Cancer | June 21st – July 22nd
Be careful with your valuables because they’re facing more risks than every character in Final Destination. Planet X doesn’t believe in material possessions, and it’s sending your phone to the toilet. It could even make you sneeze while holding a full cup of coffee over your computer. Watch out!
Leo | July 23rd – August 22nd
Planet X has an old soul, but I don’t mean old as in wise—more like the kind of old that has dementia and forgets to turn off the stove. Make sure you have your essentials before you leave the house. Your bodega man won’t like it if you forget your wallet.
Virgo | August 23rd – September 21st
With Planet X’s orbit closing in, cupid’s arrow is coming for you. Dodge that thing. Your friends have been trying to set you up for awhile now, but do not accept their help. Their taste for you is completely off, and their blind date options most likely include a raging alcoholic or a Scientologist. Stay single, and do not mingle. No one is out there for you.
Libra | September 22nd – October 23rd
Be very careful with whom you’re sending nudes to this week. Planet X has the maturity of a 12-year-old boy. Your sexts could end up on your Snapchat story or your dad’s inbox if you don’t take caution.
Scorpio | October 24th – November 21st
Planet X has a clingy force. And as it orbits closer to us, it seems to linger longer than its welcome. Beware, for it may bring an unwelcome person back into your life. Perhaps it’s a stalker, a one-night stand, or someone you knew from high school. Avoid posting on social media for a while to lay low.
Sagittarius | November 22nd – December 21st
Planet X is going through some turbulence in the 11th house, which will cause you to feel a sense of severe anxiety and panic. Avoid crowded places and theater majors. Anything could set off a wild rage inside of you. Keep the Xanax close.
Capricorn | December 22nd – January 19th
Are you feeling that “new year, new me?” Well, stop it. You’ll find that your job security is slightly unstable, so think twice about your indulgent purchases before spending an irresponsible amount of money. You do not deserve no-ads Hulu.
Stay tuned to Milk for more sad predictions about your love life.
Images via The Open Mind and Chrono Zoom