These 5 Netflix Originals Are Your New Winter Survival Guide
Now that a blizzard is barreling towards the east coast like someone who is definitely not me parting the Red Sea of tourists to get to a sample tray at Chelsea Market, it’s time to stock up on wine and cry a lot while binge-watching Netflix all weekend. Since you’re probably finishing every show and movie that you meant to watch over the past six months, we decided to go all Sybill Trelawney and look into the future for our new Netflix Original obsessions coming soon to a screen near you. It’s already been a huge year for Netflix now that they’ve expanded into more than 130 new countries, but that’s nothing compared to the Netflix Originals they’ve got in the pipeline. After four wins and thirty-four nominations at last year’s Primetime Emmy Awards, the Goliath of online streaming announced they would spend $6 billion on original content and streaming deals this year alone. With that kind of commitment, we can’t help but wonder why we’d ever need a boyfriend when Netflix is the gift that keeps on giving.
To celebrate the official start of our computer-lit hibernation in bed, we give you the five best Netflix Originals coming out in 2016.
Chelsea Does – Jan. 23
Your problematic fav is back and, yes, she’s still going to offend half of America. Two years after leaving the only late-night show that mattered, Chelsea Lately, we’re finally hours away from the release of the first product of Chelsea Handler’s $10 million deal with Netflix. The comedian and vodka enthusiast is starring in this new four-part documentary series that explores marriage, the tech industry, drugs, and race. Naturally, the drug episode was filmed last in case she died. All four episodes will start streaming on Saturday, so prep the vodka and get ready to watch Handler travel the world in an effort to insult someone on every continent.
Feels Like: The bottle of rum you thought you finished but then found miraculously in the back of your cupboard at midnight. The one that made you cry tears of joy when you found it.
Fuller House – Feb. 26
A wise shaman once said that only ’90s kids remember the ’90s, but luckily an entirely new generation will be able to bask in all the good feelings we had back then too. Unsurprisingly, the announcement of Full House‘s epic return spurred a collective meltdown on the Internet. Much like the Girl Meets World reboot, almost all of the Full House fam have returned to help make our dreams come true. This time, D.J., Stephanie, and Kimmy are taking over the house to raise their kids and to make us feel young again. Oh, and get your Life Alert ready for the return of John Stamos as he reignites the fire inside you that propelled you into puberty.
Feels Like: Donald Trump announcing the end to his presidential campaign.
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon: Sword of Destiny – Feb. 26
If ridiculously choreographed fight scenes and big swords are your thing, we have good news. A sequel to 2000’s Oscar-winning Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon is something we never knew we needed—and didn’t even know was happening. Luckily all our dreams of ninja action are coming true in a month because Netflix is following in the footsteps of last year’s Beasts of No Nation, simultaneously releasing the film in theaters and through streaming. We’re a bit sad that this one isn’t going to have Ang Lee’s directorial touch or Yun-Fat Chow’s piercing stare, but when it comes to ninja movies, quality isn’t really an issue. Our rule of thumb is: give us gravity-warping sword fights, or give us death. And judging by the end of the trailer, our lives are in good hands.
Feels Like: The martial arts moves you swore you could do when you were at the bar last weekend, and that ended up landing you in the hospital.
Pee-wee’s Big Holiday – March 18
It was shocking enough to find out we were a month away from the sequel to our fav ninja movie, so when Pee-wee’s Big Holiday was announced, it’s safe to say we were on the verge of hospitalization. The slightly unnerving but altogether harmless 1980s children’s hero Pee-wee Herman is taking on streaming with a brand new film. The actor behind the character—Paul Reubens—has long since recovered from his early ’90s scandal and is ready to inspire a new generation of kids to be as weird as their imaginations will allow. We can’t wait to see what kind of adventures he’ll get into in the Judd Apatow produced film, but regardless of what’s in store, we’re happy to see the effeminate and quirky inventor back in action after five years of development. We’ll see you back in the playhouse in two months, Pee-wee.
Feels Like: The feeling you got when you went to Disneyland as an adult for the first time and realized magic is still real.
Marseille – May 5
As a reward for surviving winter, Netflix is bestowing us with a wonderful French gift that isn’t a baguette for everyone to devour. This drama looks like a foreign language equivalent to House of Cards, but instead of the White House, it’s set in the Southern French city of Marseille. The prolific French acting legend Gerard Depardieu will star as Robert Taro, a mayor of the city for 25 years who has to defend his position in an upcoming election against his ambitious young protégé. Expect power battles, drug lords, and a metric fuckton of brooding Frenchmen. All eight episodes are set to drop on Cinco de Mayo, which is ironic given that the Spanish holiday celebrates the 1862 victory of Mexico’s army over French forces. But hey, vive la révolution, right?
Feels Like: A way to expunge the years of weirdly erotic feelings you’ve had for Depardieu without having to pay for therapy.
Stay tuned to Milk, because we love Netflix.