When we heard about Tectr, the sexy architectural dating game, we had to try it. Things got weird fast—and that was before a load bearing wall came in.

Tech

5.26.2016

This NSFW Dating Game Lets You Talk Dirty to Buildings (Seriously)

“I suppose I’d like to watch the masseuse that rents my basement suite oil you up and give you a slow, sensual massage,” one message read from Foyeur, a beautiful entrance hallway (or, foyer) ready to stain your marble floors with massage oil and love juice.

We’re not sure how we went from swiping through Tinder to receiving a heartfelt request to expose our sexual organs from a beautiful foyer, but here we are. In an overcrowded haze of dating apps for literally every weird fetish or desperate dream we might have, Silverstring Media’s new game Tectr may be the shining star in the sea of truly bizarre romance apps.

Against our better judgement, we dove deep into the weird architectural fantasy world of Tectr to explore our inner objectophiliac (a person sexually attracted to inanimate objects, obvs), one penetrating skyscraper at a time. Created for Global Game Jam 2016, the game riffs on our obsessive hookup culture and entices curious downloaders with the promise of “thirsty architecture, buildings that want you inside them.” Sign us up?

From Lobby to Floor 69 one penetrating question at a time--and this is just the intro.
From Lobby to Floor 69, one penetrating question at a time—and this is just the intro.

Trying desperately to shield our screen from passersby, we booted up the game and were presented with a series of prompts. First we had to choose our pronoun (he/his, her/hers, or they/them). Then we were asked to pick between a “gorgeous cock” or “amazing pussy.” After that visually jarring image was scraped from our brain, we were asked to choose a name from a list of usernames they provide. Ultimately, we went for the subtle-but-sweet “ChamberMaid.” Now it was time to erect our fantasies one building at a time.

No amount of Architectural Digest could prepare us for these dirty buildings.
No amount of Architectural Digest could prepare us for these dirty buildings.

As is the case with most dating apps, we had to first wade through a handful of  subpar users before landing on one that sparked our interest. FlipMe seemed nice enough and sent us back to our heyday of marathoning A&E shows about flipping houses. They asked us to apply a fresh, sticky coat of paint and to work on their cabinets—which is a pretty tame request, all things considered. But the low-key mood ended rather abruptly as soon as sledgehammers came into play. As we fell, cock first, into the slippery slope of architectural dirty talk, Exposed slid into our DMs right as they laid their foundation bare. It didn’t take long for them to cry out for our caulk, which is precisely when we decided to excuse ourselves through their open doorframe.

Unfortunately, that doorframe led us right into Panopticon, who was in the midst of comparing themselves to a new house across the street and lamenting their aging beauty. When we backed out of daydreaming about a porch light while unloading our white paint under their watchful eye, Panopticon stopped responding.

We don't want to hangout in your basement no matter how much natural light you get.
We don’t want to hang out in your basement no matter how much natural light you get.

There’s only so much abuse our frail walls could take and between that encounter and the unsolicited basement pics from Towering, we had to log off before our foundation crumbled under the sexual pressure of the dominating architecture—which is actually what the game is all about according to the game’s designer, Claris Cyarron.

“Buildings and infrastructure are in many ways about power, and so is sex. I don’t necessarily believe that many people are horny for architecture,” she explained to Hyperallergic. “But I do think that thinking about architecture in sexual terms—messy, desires and power-structures exposed, utilizing the environment for erotic gratification—is satisfying and compelling to a lot of people.”

We're officially too scared to take a cold shower for fear of our showerhead flirting with us as we cry.
We’re officially too scared to take a cold shower for fear of our shower head flirting with us as we cry.

For more information on the game, check out the Tectr website. You can download here at your own risk, but we won’t pay for the therapy you may need afterward. 

Stay tuned to Milk for more sexual architecture. 

Images via Silverstring Media. 

Related Stories

New Stories

Load More

K

Like Us On Facebook

X