Events That Were a Bigger Shitshow than Last Night's GOP Debate

If you have any interest in the future of this country, watching the GOP debates can be as painful as getting a root canal while being set on fire. The candidates… aren’t ideal. Donald Trump has no experience running a country, and has no viable plans for the United States that don’t directly benefit the wealthy. His fascist ideals have won the hearts and minds of the KKK—and he’s well on his way to becoming the Republican nominee for President. His closest competitors are just as bad, too. Ted “Crazy Pants” Cruz puts his Christianity before his identity as an American, while Robo Rubio is basically a walking talking point.

With these three going head-to-head in the last GOP debate before Super Tuesday, things were bound to get ugly fast. Oh, and Ben Carson and John Kasich somehow got through security and made it on stage, but the most noteworthy line from either of them involved fruit salad (seriously). In honor of the most embarrassing GOP debate in the election cycle, we’ve come up with three things that were bigger shit shows than the debate.

The Titanic’s Maiden Voyage

Billed as unsinkable, the Titanic set off on its first voyage on April 10th, 1912. Four days later, 1,517 of the 2,206 people on the ship died, as the luxurious ocean liner broke in half and sank into the icy cold waters of the Atlantic Ocean. The good news is that it inspired a generation of kids to hit puberty early, after seeing Leonardo DiCaprio get steamy with Kate Winslet. The bad news? It all could’ve been avoided if the captain had listened to radio warnings about the ice floating in the ship’s path. It’s kind of like the warning signs we’ve had about Donald Trump that we ignored—now we’re watching him sink the unsinkable ship of Democracy.

Everything About the Movie Gigli

If you’ve actually seen this movie, we applaud you. The silver screen shit show Gigli (pronounced Geely, not jiggly, if you were actually curious about it) starred Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez. Affleck plays a mobster hired to kidnap the mentally handicapped brother of a politician, which turns out to be as offensive as it sounds. Lopez plays a lesbian mob enforcer sent to keep him in check who—surprise—falls in love with him. Maybe she spent some time with the GOP and decided conversion therapy could be lit. Somehow, the film was granted a production budget of $54 million, which must’ve hurt when it only made $7 million before being pulled out of theaters. That’s enough money to bail Kanye West out of debt without involving Mark Zuckerberg!


Tidal, the streaming service tailor-made to make rich musicians even wealthier, launched last year with a weird Avengers-style launch full of our favorite musicians looking bored. Since then, it’s gone through three CEOs, and still refuses to offer a free version that lasts longer than 90 days. Every time a cool new song, video, or album is released that by someone trapped in a contract with the service, we all suffer as we wait for it to show up for free somewhere else. It prevented Kanye’s The Life Of Pablo from hitting the Billboard charts, and pissed off Rihanna fans trying to listen to her new album ANTI (well, unless they got that free download). Look, if we wanted to support something like Tidal, which makes the rich get richer while we all suffer, we’d support a Republican tax plan.

Their expressions are exactly how we feel about Tidal.
Their expressions are exactly how we feel about Tidal.

Images via Mike Stone and Business Insider. 

Stay tuned to Milk for more disastrous Republican news. 

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