It's time to take the shorts out of storage and plan your day drinking schedule.



Turn Up the Heat With These 5 Essential Spring Activities

As the Earth finally returns heat to the city streets, it’s finally time to break out the shorts you bought on clearance in November and celebrate like a closet queen stepping off the Greyhound from Ohio into Times Square. Spring is here, and the temperature is finally catching up to the age of the sugar daddy you’ve been talking to on Seeking Arrangement. Now that our weird attempt at winter fell victim to global warming, we’re ready to slide into our booty shorts and crop tops and get (legally) drunk in the streets. To celebrate the high ’60s and the end of civilization as we know it, here are our five essential warm weather activities to start your springtime right.

Run a fever

Like any good seasonal switch, allergic reactions are in full bloom. The subways are filled with the sounds of sniffling and coughing people on their way to work so they can go all Contagion on their office nemeses, and the streets are full of humans sneezing into the air. The only logical thing to do at this point is just suck up that bacteria-filled atmosphere and let your body temperature rise.

Party 'til you pass out, sneeze 'til you drop.
Party ’til you pass out, sneeze ’til you drop.

Listen to “Temperature” by Sean Paul

Speaking of rising temperatures internally and externally, it’s time for your annual google search for the lyrics to “Temperature.” It’s probably about autumn, but the everyone knows the best time to break it out is when the weather heats up. The best club banger everyone mumbles the words to has always been our go-to for sweating it out, but that may be because we like yelling out “the gal dem Schillaci…Sean da Paul.” We’re not quite sure what a Shillaci is, but dammit, we’ve got the right temperature for shelter you from the storm.

Watch Man on Fire

When you’re done dancing down 5th Ave while yell-singing about your tactics to turn someone on, it’s time to go home and settle in with our favorite heat-themed movie: Man on Fire. It may not be about what you want to do to catcallers, but it does feature Denzel Washington looking hot and heated as he tries to save infant Dakota Fanning from a drug cartel. Settle into bed and enjoy the movie now before summer hits hard and you end up with four fans pointed at to your undercarriage.

That explosion? It's the empty threat of a harsh winter.
That explosion? It’s the empty threat of a harsh winter.

Read Fahrenheit 451

If going outside really isn’t your thing and Man on Fire just ended, you’re probably ready to stand in front of your window and stare down at civilization like a ghost in a horror movie. You’re certainly pale enough to pass for an apparition. While you’re doing that, though, dust off your e-reader and download Ray Bradbury’s 1953 dystopian novel Fahrenheit 451. With Donald Trump on the verge of becoming the leader of the country and stupidity running amok, it’s time to prepare for the worst and read about a future where books are burned and knowledge is outlawed.

We said the same thing after we ended our last relationship.
We said the same thing after we ended our last relationship.

Burn yourself on a stove if you want to say “Spring is Sprung”

Seriously. Don’t say it. If you even start to think about saying it, place your hand on the open flame of contempt radiating from your stovetop. The  only thing that should be sprung is T-Pain.

Images via Giphy and Tim Hamilton. Original imagery by Kathryn Chadason.

Stay tuned to Milk as the weather heats up.

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