He's in the hot seat now. If Lucifer doesn't even want Ted, who does?
Ted Cruz may not be Lucifer in the flesh, but here's what we found out about how Satanism aligns with our political system.



What Do Satan Worshippers Think Of American Politics?

It’s not easy being Ted Cruz. He’s spent his life struggling to hide his murderous past as the Zodiac Killer while also secretly shredding the guitar as the lead singer of Christian metal band Stryper. He’s even had a successful acting career as Grandpa Munster, which makes us question how he’s done so much in the 45 years he’s been alive. The only reasonable conclusion we’ve come up with is that he isn’t mortal—and we aren’t the only ones who think so. Former House Speaker John Boehner agreed with our assessment so much, he literally called Cruz “Lucifer in the flesh” at Stanford University last Wednesday.

It’s a damning sentiment that’s not too far off from the truth, but we prefer the term “immortal asshole.” Lucifer really isn’t as bad as Cruz and Satanists concur. Less than twenty-four hours after people began furiously drafting their Cruz/Lucifer fanfic, Patheos‘ Hemant Mehta got in touch with Satanic Temple spokesperson Lucien Greaves, who said that Cruz was not, in fact, Lucifer. “Cruz’s failures of reason, compassion, decency, and humanity are products of his Christian pandering,” he explained. “Satanists will have nothing to do with any of them.” He went even further when he talked to Slate’s Mark Joseph Stern, stating: “Writing off a highly Christian character like Ted as ‘Lucifer incarnate’ reaffirms the idea that Christianity can do no wrong. But Christians can’t just push Cruz off on Satanists. We don’t fucking want him.”

Satanists are into politics sometimes, but they'd probably never vote for Ted.
Satanists are into politics sometimes, but they’d probably never vote for Ted.

Retweet to that, Greaves. But beyond Cruz, we weren’t really sure where Satanists stand on the issues of today. So, like any good youth, we took to the internet. It turns out that the Satanist website has a page called “The Church of Satan’s Policy on Politics.” We rolled up our sleeves, put down our pitchforks, and dived into the Church’s policies to try and get the fiery lowdown on what the hell (sorry) they think of the American political system.

The Church itself doesn’t have an official position, but individual members do “span an amazing political spectrum.” In other words, a Satanist can believe in whatever political party they’d like, even if that means they believe in none of them. Satanism does have some core beliefs, though. “The entire point of Satanism is that the Satanist does not have to change or improve reality, or make the world better, or attract attention from others by struggling to correct what one or others perceive to be the world’s wrongs,” the page reads. “The fundamental point of Satanism is that the Satanist can control his own world without having to change anyone else’s first.”

We have a feeling Lucifer's not happy with this year's presidential candidates.
We have a feeling Lucifer’s not happy with this year’s presidential candidates.

Alright so they’re into doing your own damn thing. That would probably make Ayn Rand happy. What about making the world a better place? That’s some idealistic youth shit according to Satanism. “The emotional drive to ‘change the world’ is a common stage of early adult development typically beginning around age 16 and lasting until around age 24,” the site explains. That means, for millennials my age, we’re at the very end of the “fucks given” stage of our lives. But what does that mean for our future as young people in the world?

In the red eyes of Satanism, “We don’t hide our understanding that Satanists tend to be lone wolves and not herd animals.” That answers the question of whether or not they’re fans of The Hangover’s wolf pack, at least. For the average Satanist, politics are a lot like Grand Theft Auto; it’s fun to dabble with and engage in when you’re interested or have nothing better to do but, in the grand scheme of life, it’s as meaningless as our own existence.

Would a Satanist vote for Bernie Sanders? Hell if we know!
Would a Satanist vote for Bernie Sanders? Hell if we know!

Ignoring the gendered language, this is what politically engaging Satanism comes down to: “If an individual decides that he attains pleasure through participation in political advocacy movements and organizations, he should realize that it is his own pleasure in participation that is the goal and the Satanic aspect of his actions, not necessarily the political agendas he is working to achieve.”

That means that, like the average person, Satanists are just as likely to get in arguments with strangers about what presidential candidate is best for the country as they are to flip past election coverage to watch reruns of Hell’s Kitchen. The only thing that holds true, according to the wisdom of spokesperson Greaves, is that, “[Satanists are] very much focused upon bodily autonomy, personal determination, and individual will.” During an era of politics in which the Republican Party has actively worked to strip away the rights of women, the LGBT community, communities of color, Muslims, and voters, we have a feeling that the GOP won’t have Satan on their side at the polling booths this November. It kind of sounds like they’re Libertarians?

Images via Vice News and Tumblr

Stay tuned to Milk for more Satanic analysis. 

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