Trapping in Florida. Very Spring Breakers.



Zola's Tale of Hoeism Is The Best Thing on the Internet

If you needed any more reason to believe Florida is unrivaled in its level of crazy, just read the 158-tweet long saga of Zola, a stripper from Detroit. The Internet has exploded in a viral frenzy over the possibly-not-real-but-definitely-worthy-of-a-film-or-TV-adaptation story that she shared on her Twitter account @_Zolarmoon earlier this week. It has captured the hearts and minds of people around the world who just want to vibe over their hoeism.

It’s a story of love, triumph, loss, tragedy, and incredible one-liners that reps sisterhood, feminism, and serves up trap realness in excess. Imagine if Spring Breakers took out all but one of the white girls, added the nonstop twists of R. Kelly’s Trapped In The Closet saga, and had the production budget of a BET made-for-TV movie with the scriptwriting of a Martin Scorsese film—and it passes the Bechdel test.

Zola is the hero we never knew we needed.
Zola is the hero we never knew we needed.

If you haven’t read Zola’s saga yet, you need to spend the next ten minutes of your life experiencing it (the tweets have been deleted, but they’re saved on Storify). To sum it up, the story starts in a lowkey Hooters in Detroit where our titular hero is working her side job. She meets a white girl named Jessica and her sugar daddy and they bond over hoeism, stripping, and sugar daddies.

Cut to the next day, and Zola is swept up in a spontaneous trip to Florida with Jess, another sugar daddy nefariously known only as Z, and Jess’s crazy white boyfriend Jarrett. What follows has come to be known lovingly by some as Jarrett and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Florida Trip. It’s a testament to the craziness of Florida that this story could actually have some basis in reality despite featuring trapping, murder, kidnapping, stripping, a very serious turf war, and one of the best twists in a story we’ve ever read. Seriously, it’s unreal.

Zola has transcended the Twitterverse and is now getting shoutouts from directors and musicians alike—with mixed results. The director of Selma, Ava DuVernay, tweeted at Zola, saying: “In India reading . Drama, humor, action, suspense, character development. She can write! There’s so much untapped talent in the hood. x” Not one to let a little detail go unnoticed, Aziah clapped back and shut down Ava for assuming she was from the hood, tweeting: “I’m not from the hood tho Ava. Ima suburban bitch. Still love you tho.” Shut. Down. Jezebel also reported to according to an Instagram purported to be Jess’s, the story is real.

Another famous Zola also threw her thoughts into the new Internet saga after seeing half of her stage name trending all day. Zola Jesus came out with a statement bring a dose of realness to the epic with a statement on the realities of sex work.

“Respect to the saga of trap Zola,” she wrote in an email to Fader. “As juicy as it is, that story is unfortunately very real for many women who are working without regulations in the sex work industry. If anything, I hope it sheds some light on the importance of sex workers’ rights. At least Zola has a sense of humor about it.”

As we recover from the realization of how banal our lives are in comparison to Zola’s, we’ve complied some of our favorite quotes for you to throw into everyday conversation to spice up your life.

“So we vibing over our hoeism or whatever. & we exchange numbers!!”

“Now my n—- DID NOT want me to go. He was soooooo hurt. So I had to f— him calm, & then I left.”

“the club had HELLA rules which I’m not use to (Ima full nude typa bitch)”

“He goes ’wow u even set up ur friend. U such a ho’ so they arguing for hours. I leave & go down to the pool. I mean, i am in florida !”

“I was like this n—- lost in the sauce & his bitch lost in the game”


Forget Weekend at Bernie’s. We’re ready for a weekend at Zola’s.

Images via Spring Breakers, Twitter, and Youtube. 

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